25.9.13

And Then I Yelled, Actually Yelled

Yesterday as I was sitting in the passenger seat with Work-Church-Friend (WCF henceforth) driving home from my favorite house in all of Utah, as it is occupied with my namesake, I found myself yelling, “{Good Man} and I are still friends!” at the top of my lungs.  He laughed, hard.  And I sat there, more than a little bit astonished at the decibel and tone of my own voice.  It was a bit of an out-of-body experience.  I watched an irrational girl let loose on the innocent WCF. And then I spent three minutes attempting to rationalize the completely irrational behavior. 

Jump back three years.  I had just returned from a hide-away period of life in Indiana.  Ace and I were roommates.  And as he was gone most nights entertaining people as the Man in Chair, Pete {the original} was around to cook dinner or be that guy that was around but didn’t force me to face the entirety of life with words, quite yet.  I had been asked out by a guy in the ward, a cute guy.  I was happy about it.  But then things got fuzzy.  Pete heard the details, as much as a man wants to hear the details, and didn’t say much.  Until it became clear that I was stressed out by cute guy in the ward and his ridiculous behavior.  {Without using too many words, he was simply indecisive and this girl was confused by his indecision, not that I was anywhere near decided but I couldn’t even venture toward a decision without knowing I was on solid ground and wanted by Cute Guy}. We were at the House on the Corner, without owner, one night in the middle of all of this.  And I was using my words.  And Pete was listening.  “Pete, I just don’t think that there are any good guys left out there without some sort of serious issue.” He was standing at the sink, back to me as those words flew out of my mouth.  He turned around, slowly, and took a step (he’s a tall fella and only need one) towards to counter that separated us.  Hands were then firmly planted on the counter and he met my eyes, “Kas, there are still good guys out there.” He pointed out that he, only six months younger than I, was still single and without any of the issues I had listed.  And he was not the anomaly, he was certain.  I was not but his conviction was enough for me to hold on to for a bit.

Jump back to yesterday, Carmen {the car} and WCF.  There was no justifying the yelling that had occurred.  But then WCF said something, “Are you may be upset because he is a good guy?” He had a smirk on his face as the entire story was not before him, just the pieces he had placed together. I put my head to my knees, avoiding eye contact as I tried to process the yelling that had occurred and his last question. I processed in Carmen, as well as to CA later yesterday afternoon, and then as I sat in silence on first date with Glasses. {‘Why silence on a first date, Kas?’ you may be asking. Fair.  Well, he greeted me with a hug, told me I looked cute and then, before we had even gotten to the car, indicated that he was in UT looking for a wife.  Which, is a fine reason to be in UT I suppose, but LIE to me after knowing me for only a minute and a half in J’s kitchen the night before! LIE to me! As I’m the girl that hears that and then all of the serious conversation – there was not one moment of light hearted conversation as much as I attempted for it - that follows it and FREAKS OUT inside and doesn’t care how charming you are or how dedicated you may be … I just detach and focus on earlier conversations from the day that I hadn’t quite finished processing}.  And after all of the processing here’s the answer to the questions that WCF posed, “Yep.”

Because as sure as Pete was when he told me that ‘good guys’ still exist, I am certain of their how rare they are.  There are good guys that love God but don’t necessarily love to work.  There are good guys out there that are passionate about something but dip a bit in the naked women viewing.  There are good guys out there that think my inability to discuss feelings is cute but they have tempers.  There are good guys out there that find my family charming but tithing a burden.  And then there is the other side of the coin, the good guys that are thinking I’m a good girl but that loves John Krasinski films, no matter the rating.  They see the good girl but don’t like the fact that I’m good at my job and I love it.  They see the good girl but hate that one time I was in a ‘dark and twisty’ place.  So there are two sides to this coin, two versions of the story.  And so, in the two weeks {yep, I’m dramatic} that Good Man was in the picture I was hopeful that Pete’s statement was right and, in complete cryptic disclosure, he was.  ‘It’ just wasn’t there.  And that is frustrating, so frustrating that I scream at WCF en route home from Baby Kace’s house.  Sorry about it.


Also, Buba got married last night.  Yep, that’s a fact.  Which is likely why I’m writing about feelings for a boy that no longer exists in that facet of life and not the life event that I wasn’t included in or consulted about or made aware of until after the fact {Queen of the Land of Passive Aggressiva, thank you McDreamy – and recognizing the problem is the first step to fixing the problem}.  

19.9.13

What I Know

Midst a moment I was having this evening I had a thought, "Tell Me what you do know." I was sitting in the House on the Hill {not the actual one, this one is in the middle of the city but for those of you that frequent the blog you will know where I am indicating without me actually saying it}. The thought could have come from a plethora of people that I am confident are a bit closer while in that House, those I miss and ache for especially in that place.  Or it could have been my own thought, asking for a self-analysis, as the daughter of a therapist this would not be an odd thought. Or it could have come from my Partner, the Man whose name I have taken upon me.  Regardless of the source, I responded.

* I know that the leaves are changing and that Sunday drives are mandatory
* I know that hearing a Christmas song will put me in an excellent mood, immediately
* I know that sometimes I do shed tears
* I know that I am heard
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that I will fight fiercely for my people, even with them if the situation calls for it
* I know that desiring something good and right can stretch my soul
* I know that WH and I can overcome a mishap at the mailbox but only after a slight outburst and a peacekeeping Coke is offered
* I know that spending time in the Good Word will help me shape my day productively
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that hearing 'Kas' from a voice that I trust will calm my anxiety
* I know that being caught singing at the top of my lungs with my windows down makes me laugh
* I know that I believe in reading to a child before bed, from a book that can be held in my hands
* I know that I will often speak to myself aloud, calling myself "Kate", deal with it
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that Uncle will call at least once a month and talk to me like an adult but allow me a moment to be a child in need of reassurance
* I know that listening to my Apostle Crush as I get ready in the morning keeps me from losing myself in outfit choices and curling irons
* I know that getting an email from oldest-baby-cousin about her first week at BYUI makes me feel old but also proud
* I know that having a message left from the parents is sometimes all I need as I'm told I'm loved, prayed for, and excelling in their eyes ... I keep those
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that Grandma Monica will be as up-to-date on Shondaland as I am
* I know that sitting quietly on Sunday as I worship in song before the sacrament is served will always cause me to think of President Ludlow's words before I left Spokane
* I know that other's choices can cause hurt in the lives of those I love and my own
* I know that my choices can hurt those whom I love
* I know that thinking before I speak is wise
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that when emotions, feelings, and gooey stuff is being discussed I can respond without insult
* I know that sides don't always need to be taken
* I know that life is precious
* I know that a man that has the ability to drive a manual car is a MAN
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that aching for something not quite here is allowed
* I know that counting down to the end of something brings it faster
* I know that good food with a good friend is often all that is necessary
* I know that speaking to Gramps each week will reassure me that a part of him is in me, giving me the gumption to go conquer the beasts of my world
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that I cannot do two things at once
* I know that rereading thoughts from past studies can teach me
* I know that people can be forgiving
* I know that sitting in the House on the Corner after a surprise end is allowed but no longer necessary
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that laughing at the State Fair can be a much needed distraction
* I know that speaking Spanish for work tomorrow is terrifying
* I know that being looked to as someone with something to offer is exhilarating
* I know that Dinner in a Pumpkin is something I am good at
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that my memory is far from perfect
* I know that being called a Guy's Girl today at work will keep me happy for quite sometime
* I know that Papa will not force me to talk about things but speak in even tones until I am willing and ready to bring things up on my own
* I know that my dog is far from me
* I know that a well-timed kiss on the forehead will melt me
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that I will hurt deeply when trust is broken
* I know that a quiet drive with a stop to look at the stars, on my own, is just fine
* I know that the House on the Lake is no longer mine
* I know that sometimes a call to CA is more of a cop-out than courageous
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that trying is often all that is asked
* I know that excuses are easily made but not easily justified
* I know that being still is key to remembrance
* I know that Mom understands through the sobs she hears on the other end of the line
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that being honest with oneself is one of the greatest gifts to be offered
* I know that dancing it out is a quick fix to all problems
* I know that He laughs with me and at me
* I know that my work in the hands of an editor is so much of what I've wanted for so long yet the most unsettling place to be
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that trust can be rebuilt
* I know that smiling from across the hall can be a tender mercy
* I know that death is inevitable
* I know that getting things ready for the House on the Hill while listening to 'The Bulldog' will more often than not be the perfect prelude to the lesson learned within the House
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that getting lost in a football game is a happy place for me
* I know that being ready for the next thing means to hope for it
* I know that the unexpected is often the most necessary while the most unnecessary is usually sought after
* I know that showing up counts for a lot
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that John Krasinski still wins
* I know that progress has been made
* I know what is my truth
* I know what I am certain of
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that I can stand on my own two feet
* I know that I will always spell my first love's name in sign language before I speak harsh words, my version of counting to ten
* I know that baking a secret Robin recipe takes me 'home'
* I know offering a sincere 'thank you' with a wink will get you another 'helping'
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that I interrupt people
* I know that a hand in the small of my back as I leave a room will get me to follow you anywhere
* I know that time on the parents bed with Harli in her chair and a ridiculous Hallmark movie on the television will cure all
* I know that the benefit of the doubt should be offered
* I know that happiness is a choice ... a choice to be made by me ... a choice, not a consequence of circumstance
* I know that kindness is the best choice

I know that all that I know, as little as it may be, is enough for tonight. {the repeats were purposeful}