All I have to do is Choose ...

My memory is horrible, without question.  I'll be one of those mothers whose boys tell me I agreed to something that morning and accept it when I really did not, I'm prepared for this and have some creative methods to be sure this doesn't happen frequently but that's another post for another time though.  So this memory of mine tends to not recall things from my childhood, big things.  But I do remember a few little things.  One being sitting in the van, the big one with the tv hanging from the ceiling, listing to 'Baby', a musical for which my mother still harbors an obsession.

There is a song from this show that has been running through my brain on repeat for the past month or so.  I don't know if it was the year anniversary of the date I set a date, Ace's leaving, Pete's announcement for leaving, Smiling Face running to the alter, or the million (9 actual) sweet little ones born in the last month to close friends but something fell into place... "I wanna be Mother Teresa, Margaret Sanger, Margaret Thatcher, Margaret Mead ... I want it all." Yep, there it is folks.

I was discussing this with Singer the other night.  He started laughing at me, hysterically. "Kas," he said in that tone that means what-I'm-about-to-say-may-hurt-but-you-are-tough!-Put-on-your-big-girl-pants, "time to go after it then, it won't fall into your lap."  I didn't respond, not because I was tearful but because I was pondering but Singer isn't good at the silence unless there is something else occupying his mouth, so he continued.  "You're Kasi French for hells sake!" That made me laugh.  He's right, I am.  And in the last year, although lots of fantastic/necessary/life changing lessons were learned, I let life run me where for the previous 26 years that was not the case.  Last year I was, as Vonnegut said, "in a constant state of stage fright ... because (I) never (knew) what part of (my) life (I was) going to have to act in next."  It was scary, worth it ~ I wouldn't change a minute of 2010, but I'm ready to choose what life is going to bring me and I choose happiness and all that it includes.

I've been blessed with amazing people around me (I don't mean nearest to me necessarily, although I have the best of the best here in the state of UT).  As I sat there the night before Ace's departure, with Pete announcing his departure, I realized that they are moving forward.  I get to too.  As I got the text about the wedding I realized Smiling Face was moving forward.  I get to too.  As I listened to the plans for tour ... well Singer just plays! I get to do that too.  And I get to choose how I want to do it because I'm going to do it all.  And for my Grandpa Bill who has to listen to Grandma Phil ask what that means ... It means everything! Let her chew on that for a few weeks.  

So here's to 2011! It's going to be a big year folks, a really big year.  No need to wait, things are already happening.  I'll keep you posted!

Year Off ... Over

So in 2010 I decided to keep my thoughts and opinions to myself regarding political manners.  I pat myself on the back as I did a fairly good job I believe.  But it is 2011 now and ... BOY OH BOY!!

Can we talk about this? And by we I mean me, because its my blog and my year of thoughts-to-self is OVER.  To be honest, I don't have a lot of words as I am completely flabbergasted, not surprised, but FLABBERGASTED at the length people will go for ... what is it they are doing, raising money?  Oh, right.  Because at this time of loss, a nine year old girl and five others, it is ABSOLUTELY appropriate to pull out your checkbooks.   Let us not reflect, let us write a check and raise our glass. 

I do not claim that 'my side' has been proper, Palin and Beck are likely not the reason for this.  But people, come on!

Let it be said, I have a voice and I'll use it.  To be clear ... I do not agree with basing the 'largest fundraising (sic) day in (their) history' to be founded on a loss of innocent lives.

BEST Story Ever

A friend of mine turned to the girl he loves
 yesterday morning and said, 

"So, do you want to just do this?" 

They got married last night.  

That is my favorite story.

2011, don't suck! (copyright JHD)

Indiana Christmas

Tomorrow we'll all be here ... well, almost all of us {dang distance and stuff}.

Merry Christmas via a voice that rings of home.

Seeing through the Fog

Interesting.  That’s the word that I use when I don’t have the words, that and 'peachy' but 'peachy' was stolen from Papa while 'interesting' is my own.  This past week has been that, interesting.

Last night I received a gift, a reminder.  Hale was over, we were chatting.  Then Sis came over and then Heels.  I was fully engaged in conversation, whole wheat pancakes, shoe admiration and talk of crazy.  Ah, that did it ~ the talk of crazy.  I felt myself separate from the conversation. I knew what was happening but it was easier to get lost in my thoughts and fears rather than to make an effort to stay involved in the conversation before the lit tree.  As I dug my feet in, literally, my mind drifted.  I added what I could when I could but the conversation between Hale and Sis went from crazy to relationships so the wandering thoughts and roller coaster of emotions increased. 

I found focus again after a short and simple sentence directed above.  I became a valid participant, keeping Sis and Hale up later than they likely were hoping to be.  My mind was free from the worries that the talk of crazy had heaped upon me.  And then, as if He knew that my retention is equal to that of Dory and I could have drifted back into 'what if land', Hale {who tends to be a bit more aware of my moments than the average Joe but had no possible way of knowing what he was doing} handed me his phone.  

On said phone was this picture. That’s the White Building on the Hill.  The last letter I received from my Uncle Mike, talked about seeing through the fog to what really matters.  The letter talked about lots of things actually ... my mission, my family, my chosen partner, my patience {or lack thereof} and stubbornness {and the abundance thereof} but he ended it with talk of the fog of life.  He ended our conversation here by reminding me that I have the option, the responsibility, to look beyond the fog to what really matters.  He spoke of his own fog and the necessity to move through it to his happiness.  Then he reminded me, in his own blunt and forceful way, of his love for me, my Grandparents love for me, my parent's love for me and the love from above.  I spent the remainder of last night, this morning actually, reminding myself of what matters, of the blessings that surround me on a daily basis.  I'm going to hold on to that a bit better, I see through the fog. 

Merry Christmas.  I would wish a fog free one to you and yours but that's not the point, there will always be fog.  Rather I wish you the Eyes and the Love to see beyond it, to what really matters.