Perspective

The boys had just gone down for bed. I could hear their tiny feet make the way from one bed to the other and then BOUNCE. I finished getting Baby Q ready for bed, wrapped up like a little burrito, and headed up to play Bedtime Marsha with P&M. With Baby Q in my arms I made my way to the door of the boys' room. Their ears worked well and both managed to be back under the covers by the time I hit the doorway. "Hi Marsha" I hear M say from underneath his race-car blanket. "I love you Marsha" P chimes in with after a minute of quiet. I responded with the same, how much easier is it to say to the 4 year-old!?!?, and looked down at Baby Q, now sleeping. Within a few moments I hear the steady breathe of two sleeping boys. I stay for a few more moments, letting the scene imprint on my mind. For a moment longer I linger, a bit of aching for C&E, but ultimately as I walk back down the stairs with Baby Q still in my arms I smiled. I had walked into that house with days' worth of thoughts and questions. I had distracted myself with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pudding, cuddle time with little B, P&M showing me how Baby Q loved to be tickled, and story time on with Marsha. At that moment however the only thing to distract me was the quiet breathing from Baby Q, not enough. But after all of that so-called distraction I had a moment when the necessary perspective came back. Sitting there with Baby Q, being alone with my thoughts did not lead to anxiety or more questions. I knew the boys above me and the baby in my arms were as simply complex as life ever needed to get. However I end up there, here ... that will come. For that moment I found Perspective.

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The night before we had gone to dinner to appreciate the finer things in life. This particular afternoon we laid low with S. S had fallen head over heals for B earlier this winter during one of his drive-by/fly-by weekends. He listened to her and understood the first time around and could get me to give in without the tantrum or tears she sometimes added. It was no wonder I was sent out of the room to make lunch ~ she's happy with my cooking, bless her heart ~ as she gave the instruction to B to sit down. I listened from the other room as the scene was laid out. They were at school. She was teaching B something from the book, he read on cue and stopped as she had something to remark on. I felt a bit intrusive as I heard the communication back and forth, only a few needed to be repeated to be understood. As it usually does, the scene became to chaotic for S and she began to repeat the first few actions in this particular sequence of school. It was on the second or third time through that I peaked in, plates balanced on either hand, to see her standing there with her hands firm against his cheeks. "No more, no more." I knew to leave B with her until this was resolved, I stood quietly in the corner where neither noticed.

Without pulling his face out of her little hands he responded, "Then what do we do now?" The question was heard and heavily contemplated by the recipient. Without a response she turned to the table across the room where the family had gathered previously that day to read. She pulled across the table and into her arms the scriptures and made her way back to B with a serene look on her face. "Bout Jesus, bout Jesus." B took the book from her and opened to a story that had been discussed between he and I on our drive over and began to explain it to S. She sat and listened as he explained how the children came to Him. As I watched S's eyes watch B and her sweet face soften to his sweet tone I found myself quietly retreating back into the kitchen, hearing the words as if for the first time myself.

Putting the plates down I began to let my mind and heart wander the events of the past few months. Questions that I had, thoughts that had hindered my sleep, emotions that got caught up in my denial ... everything fell into place. There was a peace that superseded it all. I found Perspective in the chaos I had created.

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Some unknown artist was playing through the speakers a bit too loud in my ears but offered the perfect excuse to not participate in conversation as my thoughts were clearly elsewhere. My mind wandered from one end result to the next as I changed my decision like a reader in 'Choose Your Own Adventure.' The conversation began again but I stayed focus on my Adventure, I did not know much of what was being spoken of. I tried to distract myself with outside elements but the mountains were dark and offered no redirection of my thoughts. As we parked at the top of the hill and I found myself wrapping my arms around myself to fend off the cool night air he said something causing me to look up, as is the case when most speak to me. I did not stop at his face however, I nodded in agreement and made some smart remark and continued to look up. The sky was far from perfectly clear but above me that evening, to the Northeast, was a star shining between a few clouds. I put my glasses on to see more clearly and the one actually turned out to be a handful of stars in the tiny gap between the dark and heavy clouds ... as we drove home that night I thought of those stars, or what I thought was merely a star, and the simplicity of that beauty. The clouds were surrounding and the mountains cut the view to any other clear spots up there but those few stars offered the moment of peace ... no need to see the whole thing, this view offered enough to give me the Perspective of hope and brightness to not only take a nap in the car but to sleep through the night.

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Perspective is highly underrated in my opinion. The minute you have it hold on to it ... it disappears in an instance.

Bigger than Me

Have you ever had one of those days that makes it? A day where the fruits of your labor are sweeter than you ever could have imagined? A day where you realize that in spite of your sometimes skeptic attitude or dark and twisty outlook the sun is out and the birds are chirping? A day where your vantage point is so distinctively clear that you can see that the world is actually so much more than you had ever hoped? A day where you truly see that you are a part of something which will effect generations far into the future? A day where you can look back at the past efforts and see where your mark has been left? Said days are a treasure and I have been fortunate enough to have had a few of them as of late.

Spending an afternoon on the water's edge discussing, in even-tones to my own chagrin, the past bit of life and the lives that were involved during that time was a rare and difficult task. Prior to that walk I knew the end to this particular story ~ that it had an end. But it was not until I was sitting in his shadow that I felt the finality of it all. We discussed how each had brought something real to the table, something unknown to the other. We discussed the need for that something and the need to let go of it. And then, as the silence became an active participant in the conversation, I was blessed with the moment of clarity. The moment brought back the realization that this was for the better, that happiness would come a bit easier each day individually, and that this was just a building block to something bigger ... something so much bigger.

As we sat in SLC, a reprieve from the celebrations, at Hatch's Family Chocolate (side note ~ Just stop what you are doing if you find yourself in the 8410…area and get yourself a MILK HOT CHOCOLATE. It will change your mood, level out the chemical imbalance, clear your vision, enhance euphoric feelings … it’s amazing), he began talking about the life I was a part of. With each name he mentioned it was as if a part of my heart awoke that had been sleeping since I left the place where everyone truly did know my name. As we recalled moments of trial, moments of laughter, moments of growth, moments of miracles, I was again blessed with that moment of clarity. Here was a man who I had been favored to know for a brief (albeit longer than expected) period of time. He stood tall, confident, and within his eyes was that excitement sparked by his solid knowledge of the truth. I did not do this to him, he walked the path himself. And as the conversation grew I realized he too will have moments where he realizes that this sight we have is so narrow and will be blessed with a view to help him see how big this all truly is. To be a part of a change of self, heart and mind ... to watch that happen ... to know the distance that has been traveled and the battles that had to be fought ... to see that there is so much more going on at every moment to effect our lives ... it's just so much bigger than ever expected.

And of course there was this moment yesterday, "People will judge you based on what you build, not what you destroy...For everywhere we look, there is work to be done...(T)he Spirit of Service--it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all...America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations."



To hear him speak these words, to know that he truly is the Man for the Job, to know that I play even the tiniest part in all of it ... it's so much bigger than me and all of my words, so much bigger than just the opportunities that will be allotted to my children or even their children. This is active history, certainly because of his race, but more importantly because of the vision he has been endowed with and that he shares with us all. So to you, the man I will respect and honor as my President, I say thank you. You understand this this is bigger than you, you have called upon wise men and women to help you within the wall of Washington. But more importantly you have called on the American People to see what you see and rise to the challenge of creating something far better than our own limited hopes. You have called upon us to build, to be active in the cause. You have called upon us to see that this is bigger than just me, the individual. But you remind me that I, as little as I am, can have a long and reaching effect on this, on all of this, if I will build proactively.

I like when things are bigger than me.

Click-Clock

Some people have a blanket, I used to have Hermie … but I’ll always have Click-Clock.



As a child I remember falling asleep in the Lake Forest House to the subtle sound of Click-Clock, my grandfather’s clock. Over the years as sleep and I have had a relationship that follows the pattern of my love-life Click-Clock has remained constant. I will always choose to sleep down in Grandpa’s office so that I fall quickly into a deep slumber to the invariable sound of Click-Clock. I get discouraged as others (Unnamed Aunts, although there are only three of you) reach into him to stop him for the night, only half of the time remembering that he needs to be restarted in the morning ~ causing a bit of frustration for Gramps and sadness for me. I like my sleep with Click-Clock.


Over the past few days there have been a few reminders in my life of dear old Click-Clock. In the new house we have a clock, yet unnamed. The clock provides the traditional hour by hour mark in beautiful tones. As M&M and I sat with L on Tuesday night in sweet anticipation of that 11 o’clock hour I was filled with anxiety about the move and what lay ahead. The minute the clock struck that first tone it was as if I was sitting in front of that large window watching C&E pull weeds and hearing Grandma explain why the plant needed to moved, again. By the time we made it through the whole melody and the eleven chimes marking the hour I was calm and realized this house could be home, will be home.

Then last night as I lay in a bed far from Click-Clock after a long day of work and a rush of an evening my mind played the scenarios that could be ahead. I heard giggles next to me but found my mind was already miles away in different company. As per usual, I felt the anxiety of the next few steps come quickly. But then, as if Click-Clock was there himself, I heard a clock somewhere close, as the notes pealed I smiled and then ... one … two … I fell asleep within moments.

… three … four … five … six. I awoke to the same tones.

Deliriously Happy ... and exhausted

Three things made me smile today … beyond smile … three things made me deliriously happy today.

First was getting a picture of this new blanket with arms in my email box, talk about gift from the heavens! I have vowed to not complain about the weather for the rest of this blessed white snowy season ~ how can one complain when living in a world with Snuggies?






Second came as the day progressed and B realized we needed to 'do our thing'. We decided to have a date at home tonight, me here with his and him there with mine. We did the Skype thing - little K was frightened at first but once she saw big G we knew we were in the clear. Hearing the voices, playing the games, being together apart … made life happy.

Third was getting the voicemail below in reference to a text I had sent late this afternoon in response to his text question to me. I played it, thrice, for B and we both died of hysterical laughter. Sure, it could have caused a need for conversation but rather we filled the rooms with my rhythmic squeak and his deep gasps between laughs. DD truly provided some quality entertainment, I’m still laughing as I type this.

Okay, so I just got your text.
Two things to say about that.
Number One - When was this not complicated?
Number Two – This is you we are talking about and relationships, you in a relationship. It is just the definition, by design, that is complicated.
So I’m interested in what you have to say about how it ‘just got complicated’ but give me a call back.

DD ... I'm exhausted but I'll come up tomorrow and bask in the love that is your home, enjoy the boys while reveling in the simple perfection of Q, listen to you justify my complication, and therapy it out with K.

2009 = YEAR OF THE DOG

Happy New Year! 2008 was quite the adventure … no need to recap.

2009 has already proven to be a quite an adventure and we’re only 16 hours in. BB&R had moments with Mom this afternoon, Josh had Dad. We missed out on that though, we went to look at dogs.

Let’s talk about the dog because I don’t want to talk about anything but … my dog. I’d really like my dog! When you announce things without any thought before hand, I want my dog. This afternoon when we walked into the house, I wanted my dog. When I want time to myself but don't actually want to be alone, I want my dog. As we sat, took in the moments, witnessed the events, I wanted my dog. When my eyes get fussy and my nose gets itchy, I want my dog. Before anything happens, I’d really like my dog. Before anyone goes away, I'd really like my dog. Not a yapper, not a lap-sitter, not an animal that will be trampled under your feet as guests come in and out; I want my dog. (See pictures for suggestions ~ we have to get him as a puppy!) Can we just get my dog?

By the end of the year I’d like to be in a place where I can have my dog. There are circumstances and conditions to my dog, I understand that. I’ll meet them … somehow. There are things to do, things to learn, things to overcome, things to understand, things to accept … we’ll get there, I'll get there. But if in 364 days I can be curled up with my dog … that is my dream, my goal for 2009. I think, in my warped view of things, our goals match ~ we both want our dog.