Fact 2 - I'm not a sleeper at current time. I wish I was. I get into bed. I try for night time sleeping. I try for day time sleeping. I try sleep helpers. I try window open sleeping (I am Jeff's daughter). I try the sound maker Grandfather sent me while I was Sister French. I try no noise at all. But most of the time, I Netflix (is that a verb yet?) Josh or Jim. I will usually fall asleep for a bit, I know the story lines and find comfort in knowing it won't change if I don't pay attention for a minute ... and sometimes I sleep as much as an hour ... but more than that isn't my reality right now. It makes me the perfect person for holding the babies in the middle of the night or doing the 5am drives to the airport (as I did this morning, picture below ... thank you red light glow for saving me from having to filter the heck out of it).
Fact 3 - I'm an anxious person. I hate that this word is so common ... schizophrenia, another thing people can have, is not used to describe our day to day. You don't hear someone saying, "I was just a bit schizophrenic about my morning routine." But people use the word anxious all of the time about things, "I was anxious about losing that game," or "I'm anxious to have you come see the new house!" And that use is not wrong. But as someone that has an anxiety ... I hate it's common use in our vernacular, it makes me anxious, my kind of anxious. Because you see, my kind of anxious is debilitating. It's not simply an unexpected rush of adrenaline or sweet butterflies. It's an increased heart rate, to the point where I feel like it's going to beat right out of my body. It's difficulty breathing, not simply a count to 17 and all will be fine but a I'm-losing-all-ability-to-move-because-there-is-no-oxygen-getting-into-my-blood-stream-in-order-to-move-anything and then the uncontrollable shaking begins. It's ringing in my ears. It's dizziness that makes me want to, and on occasion actually, vomit. It's the most uncomfortable feeling I've ever felt and I've had 6 kidney stones, one failed kidney (twice), migraines, a broken back, and a broken middle toe (that last one was just for good measure, I was 11 and don't remember it hurting very much but I was a bit of a hypochondriac at that point in my life). I don't love large groups of humans that I don't know. I don't love large groups of humans I do know without a plan. I don't love public speaking. I don't love talking, verbally, about things that I'm uncertain about, my uncertainty or the party I'm speaking with's uncertainty. I don't love passive aggressive behavior. I don't love hospitals. I don't love days 23-28 after someone I love has died. I have medication that I can take and I do when it is necessary. However, at 31, I've also found that not putting myself in situations is the much easier (for all involved) and much more logical. Some of you* don't understand this ... I don't understand you in totality either, and that's okay. But it's a real thing, a difficult thing. Yes, I'm Marcia's daughter ... we look almost identical and have mirroring mannerisms and only Papa can tell the difference over the phone ... but I did not inherit her love and comfort in all situations, teaching a hundred people how to manage in a crisis is her idea of a fun Saturday afternoon and makes me want to hide in the closet. I'm complicated and on occasion ridiculous. But I am trying to not inconvenience you*. I am trying not to cause a scene. I am trying very hard not to be the person you don't understand. Yes, there are humans (I can count them on two hands, if I'm including family members) that work to calm the anxiety, that see it before I feel it and know the tricks to Kasi. I'll ask them what they are and share with the world ... but for them, as I see it, it's instinctual. They know me that well, they are my people.
Fact 4 - I know that I am an excellent person to have in your corner. I believe in you* and in your dreams. I fight for you with you if necessary. I think about you and pray for you, not a blanket blessing list of humans but I've got the time (I'm not a sleeper, remember?) and so Father gets an ear full about you. If I'm in Hallmark, I likely find a card that fits you. I push you. I appreciate you. I love your kids. I take a pill and come to the hospital. I find time to be there when the guy is a punk, the girl is heartless, or the kids are running you into the ground. And I know that this is great, it's the best thing I am right now.
Fact 5 - I know that although Fact 4 is lovely ... it's not what I would like to be best at. I would like to be best at being 1 human's person. WHAT?!?!!?!? You (general population, not my nicknamed humans) are thinking that I have my 'people' not simply a 'person'. And that is the current fact. But here's the new bottom line ... My 'people' are my favorite and it's caused some issues ('some' being a very under-exaggeration) as I've tried to have a 'person'. You* are likely reading this and can site a time you saw me ruin something because of you* without even realizing it. And I'm not loving that. Because sometimes life happens, and the duration of 17 of a rant/cry/mope/scream that is necessary is necessary to live with someone, someone that is just mine in that moment. Please understand, you*/my people are there and I know it, I love it. But sometimes, when it feels like it's Kasi vs. the entire world, I'd like to have one 'person' feel responsible for me, to be in my corner ... with no other obligations above me. Writing that seems selfish? No, no.
These are just the facts.
*you being my nicknamed humans
