Intimate Morsels

Several months ago, at least five but perhaps six, I was having a conversation with Doc (new and much more appropriately named Doc, not old Doc ~ double meaning fulling intended).  I don't remember the specifics.  What I do remember is this phrase that came from him, "Kasi, we all have the ability to change."

I've thought a lot about that ... a lot ...

Change, like humility, can be brought upon you due to the circumstances that life brings.

HP realigns territories and rather than covering the whole eastern seaside I am now only managing partners in Eastern PA.  It's a bad year for strawberries and so my smoothy tradition is void.  It is neither here nor there, it just is.

Change, like humility, can be brought upon you because of an other's choices or circumstances and the natural consequences of said choice.

Sister decides to fall in love and get married, I need to find a new roommate and/or living situation.  Uncle decides to go to war, I loose sleep for a great long time.   S&B move to Texas, my route east becomes air only. It is neither here nor there, it just is. 

Change, like humility, can come because one chooses to make said change for the 'greater good'.  I have fought this last statement for the greater part of 28 years.

As a child I would scream at the top of my lungs at Grams, "I can't do that, it's not me! I'm not that girl! I'm too much like my mom!" As an adolescent I had the same argument (perhaps with more dramatic flare) with Grams but also with Abby, McKenzie, Bobby, and Adam.  "I can't be anything less than this nor anything more, I just can't." Thought of other's feelings and tact, logical and fair arguments ... all were lost on me.  My feet were planted in the certainty that I couldn't change the core part of me.  I don't think it would be fair to me or to Matt to count the number of times we had the same 'discussion' ~ him attempting to convince me that growth was not only a knowledge 'thing' but a change of heart.  The stubborn portion of me came shining through during those attempts.  I think one of the reasons my collective 'CA' win my heart so often is because they have realized, all at different moments, that "Kasi is, at the core, not 'that girl' nor does she want to be 'that girl' so I let her be." (I secretly think each of them just has a greater patience with my learning curve than the rest of the humans in my life and understood all along that I would get 'there') The parentals/Grandparentals/Uncles/Aunts have all performed their due diligence to try to get me to understand this 'change' that we bring into our own lives, I listened as it was respectful to do so but I do not think I ever once heard them.  But this is here, it is with my hands to alter.  It is not there, out of my control.

I've been talking with the Heavens with a bit more sincerity these last four months, more candor but also with a heart open to hear the response and to act upon said response.  As it would turn out, change can be self-induced.  As it would turn out, thoughts and opinions can change (inhale Papa, I still fall to the left and will not be found on a Beck Cruise anytime soon).  As it would turn out, not everything needs to be vocalized.  As it would turn out, there is a part of me that is 'that girl' and I'm working to embrace that.  As it would turn out, I know very little.  As it would turn out, there are pages and pages of my story that I can alter as I move forward because I can change the leading character.  I can change and this change is cultivated in my knowledge of truth, in my hope dwelling in a faith in Someone much greater than I.

And so as I kneel at night, as I study in the morning, as I vocalize during the day I see the 'intimate morsels' that create me, that I have clung to with dying breath for so long, alter and change.  Others, even the closest of friends, may not see it but He can and He helps as I continue in my efforts.  The purpose of life, no matter Who you pray to or what you ask for help, is to be a person of substance and to offer that substance back to the world.  I get to alter my substance.  What an adventure it is!  I'll stop kicking and screaming now.

Sober vs. Medicated

For the benefit of ... me ... please read carefully and refer to this post to help you identify when I am not 'me'.  Usually it can be tied to a kidney stone, broken back, or any other state of being that lends to Kasi on any medication stronger than Advil.  Please take the phone from me, keep me home, and perhaps don't let others come to the home if any of the below 'medicated' signs are showing.


Signs of a sober Kasi vs. Medicated Kasi
Sober Kasi will not willingly discuss her love life with her family, her friends, or her friend's friends.
Medicated Kasi will openly discuss all details about her love life with any one with a pulse.
Sober Kasi will not be petted by anyone.
Medicated Kasi will sit there with wonderment on her face as she is unsure as to what is happening as she her head of hair is petted as a pup.
Sober Kasi will not allow Matt to manipulate her and is confident as to who she calls her 'best friend'.
Medicated Kasi feels guilt within a second and a half of manipulation and placates him with a 'version' of best friendship.
Sober Kasi sits like a lady as she discusses things.
Medicated Kasi throws up her leg and holds it as a seated ballerina during story time.
Sober Kasi tends to stick to her high road.
Medicated Kasi is far more willing to join others on their roads.
Sober Kasi has boundaries.
Medicated Kasi knows no bounds.
Sober Kasi agrees to date her Bishop's son, he's a Bulls fan I hear.
Medicated Kasi agreed to this first.
Sober Kasi does not like to talk to Doc about certain humans.
Medicated Kasi is willing to hear stories about said human and be supportive.
Sober Kasi does not get hurt when comfort is sought while sleeping.
Medicated Kasi will get up from a warm bed and go cuddle with New Pete, leaving Ace in a cold bed to feel neglected.

I'm hoping for all of our sake that I stay Sober Kasi for the next little while, although ... as of this moment, that is not looking like an option.