29.4.08

Disajulations

Okay … so I am ready to give out the disajulations for the day! My frustration level has hit the sky! Why … why, Kasi/Kas/Marcia/Magnum/Frenchy/MB are you frustrated today? Oh, let me see …

Why in Pete’s Sake do the automatic paper towel dispensers at my work dispense two inches short of the required amount to get your hands dry? Seriously, if they would simply let it roll for another second or two I would not have to waste the ¾ of the second towel to dry my hands. I like trees!







Why in the Sam’s Hill does the nose have a running time longer than most movies? Seriously, it doesn’t matter how many times you blow or how much is expelled, the nose just keeps going. I like dry noses!

Why in Jeeper’s Creepers does the line at the post office become a half an hour long when all you need is a stamp? Seriously, you wait until after lunch time so as to not hit the ‘rush’ that can be found at most Utah Post Offices because of the ‘missionary send outs’ during High School lunch breaks only to pull up at the same time as fifteen other people. I like people but have no line patience! (No testimonials necessary, thank you!)

That’s it … I’m better, disajulations given out (other frustrations can be found on Gildea’s blog – saving me a few words - GRACIAS!). What’s that (a disajulation)? Disajulations (according to Jim Halpert) are … oh, you don’t want to know. I know … Jim knows … that’s all that matters.

25.4.08

Hermie ... The Magic Wand

There are few things in life that I cannot live without. My parents, obviously. My siblings, it's a good thing we all think the world of one another and can get past childish squirms (and by 'we' I mean me ~ shocking that I would ever hold a childish grudge). My weekly conversation with Grams and the bi-weekly moments of sweetness with Gramps - this is a picture of him, HANDSOME ISN'T HE? in his White Elephant gift from last year. My pictures, my room is covered in pictures of everyone I don't get to see on a weekly basis! And my Hermie ... Hermie? Go ahead, I know you want to ... who is Hermie?





Well, Hermie (from Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer) was given to be by a great friend my Freshman year of college. I had large dreams and hopes to bust out of the mold I had somehow been placed in and I was finding obstacles and discouragements at every turn - ENTER HERMIE!
WHY? SEE HERMIE FACTS
Hermie made it through three years at USU inclusive of one roommate who thought that Unicorns should overtake Hermie's space, four roommates weddings, a bugged apartment (and I literally mean bugged, as in spy gear in my apartment, I still haven't forgiven you Nate!), the ups and downs of guy sagas, the roller-coaster that was Hillside, one sleepover with the Gunnison guys (Hermie went solo on that one!), Saturday mornings with Pauly screaming obscenities because of a broken truck, and all else that was inclusive of USU years. Hermie made it through a summer of EFY, two summers with Grams (which, as Adam and Dave, respectively, will attest was not an easy thing for me!), and a summer of indecisiveness. Hermie made it through a mission inclusive of 11 companions, four areas and everything that encompasses. Hermie made it through a year in California - I think that might have been his favorite year!

When I was packing up that fateful day, a bit over six months ago now, Cass walked into my room. Earlier that morning I had given her Hermie, as a 24 year old I thought I could live without my stuffed fictional character. But as Cass watched, with those old eyes and observant heart, she saw that I was pretty sad about things. She walked out of my room, I was grateful, I could shed the tears I was so desperately trying to hide. She came back in quickly however, I was caught in the act. She walked over to me, calmly, and handed Hermie back to me. "I think he wants to stay with you."

I have had Hermie during this transition ... but I've transitioned. I live in Utah, I love my job, I love my ward, I love my friends, I love my house (thanks to Mar and her great design abilities!), I love the snow capped mountains. So I sent Hermie back to California to be with Cass.
This past weekend, she offered me something in exchange. And although my love for Hermie is deeper than my excessive word count can describe, I think I may have gotten the better end of the deal. She gave me a Magic Wand, created by her! I love it! It's beautiful!

I love you Cass ... take good care of Hermie. I'll be back in a month to check in on him!

24.4.08

Love's Anniversary

Love is an interesting thing. When we are younger we use the word LOVE to describe our affection with things, "I love my doll" or "I love to jump on the trampoline". As we grow older we begin to understand the word love as only our little minds can. Our parents love us, they feed us and keep us in clothes that fit. We love our animals, they keep us company and are our friends. We continue to use the word LOVE to describe things, "I love DisneyLand" or "I love summer". Our little minds grow and our understanding of LOVE increases. Our parents love turns into a 'tough love' and the understanding decreases for a bit while we LIVE AS TEENAGERS - I don't know about the rest of you but I am certain that I used the phrase "You don't love me, you love to make my life miserable" a few times during that age. We still continue to use the word however, "I love that bag" or "I love that show".

Now, as I near 25, I have come to understand - in my own little way - love. How? Well, my family. My parents ... Happy Anniversary!
Today my parents celebrate 27 years of marriage. It's been an incredible journey for them. As their child I have had the opportunity to watch them love one another over the years. My parents, Jeff and Marcia (my name sake for some of you), love each other more than my words could ever convey. They have stood next to each other through all that life has had to offer them. I could go on and list a million separate incidences of their cuteness, their partnership, their strengths ... ect. ect. ect. but that is not necessary. My parents have been the incredible example of enduring, selfless, eternal love. In a world where things end on a daily basis, where promises are broken all too frequently, where selfishness flows like wine ... I have been given the gift of an eternal family. My parents stand at the head of that family, hand in hand, with a love that is unmatched by any Hollywood creation, any characters in a novel. The love that I grew up watching - it offers hope. Thank you Dad and Mom - HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

My understanding of love is only magnified by other members of my family and at the top of that list is my Uncle Mike. My Uncle was taken from us three years ago today but his life continues to influence my own.

I remember the last time I heard my Uncle Mike sing, saw him laugh, felt his arms around me. We had just spent the evening eating sushi and Cold Stone Ice Cream. We laughed and I reveled in the attention from my Uncle Mike. Since the day ~ I can first recall ~ I first had one on one attention with my Uncle I felt so unique, so adored, so loved. I knew that I was a princess. And it ~ this royal feeling ~ was only magnified that last night by a million. I remember looking across that diner table, after eating some type of funky little creature, and seeing not only pride for this niece of his, but that adoration. Perhaps, no, ceratinly the Lord was granting me these final moments of perfection with my Uncle Mike so that I might have something to hang on to. As we returned to the house we sat in the kitchen and he pulled out his guitar. His voice echoed through the house. I laughed at his attempt to remember words and then provided him with the correct ones. Then he finished with ‘Shower the People’ ~ in retrospect I can see that the Spirit was there within that room. I locked eyes with my Uncle; I knew that he loved me. In that instant it was as though no one else existed, it was just me and my uncle, and I knew all was right in the world. I remember crying as the song ended for I was not going to hear that voice for 18 months ~ little did I know that is would actually be a lifetime. But I felt the love of my Uncle. He looked across the room to some far off place it seemed. I then saw him, my Uncle, as he is, a changed, humble, and strong man. I knew his life and it brought many obstacles but he had done just fine. He had made it. Then his eyes came back down to me, I felt of his love.

The last letter - and only for that matter, Uncle Mike was not the greatest at communicating with his favorite niece while on her mission but his amazing wife, Robs, helped push him to the computer - was just a month or so prior to his death. He spoke of seeing beyond the fog of this world and his love of the Lord, his wife, and our family. Then he ended simply, with words that I will cherish for the rest of this life "Kas, love the Lord. His love will carry us all. I love you. Your favorite Uncle Mike"I love you too ... you are greatly missed.

23.4.08

And If That Mocking Bird Don't Sing ...


... John's going to buy me a diamond ring!

22.4.08

Favorite Song ... Favorite Couple

There are very few things that make me as happy as this song and this couple does. And today, this week, I need that happiness.

21.4.08

Kalifornia Weekend

I needed to “get out of Dodge” so I changed the oil (okay, Saturn changed the oil), recruited two great roommates, and we left for California late Friday afternoon.

Saturday was an early morning of TBall and the Pancake House


The rest of the day was filled with ordinary ~ exactly what I needed. The kids had a birthday party over at ‘little Ryan’ ~ as opposed to ‘big Ryan’ or more commonly known as Bunk. So we had E singing in the shower – who doesn’t love a 5 year old that can’t pronounce his –R-s jamming out to HairSpray! Cass was doing her hair … such independence. Then Robs and I hit the pantry in organization mode – my need to ‘fix’ shining through. After we broke and watched Juno, enter Em! It was as if I had never left! Girl chat, squeals, Em’s Diet Coke ~ perfection!

That night we ventured out back to the pool … an easy venture seeing how it was 98 degrees in the pool and 105 in the hot tub. Martha entertained for a time with her low blood sugar! Enter Roselynn, Bunk, and CL … I could kick myself for not taking any pictures but I was on a few meds and simply too tired to do such things. Craig started telling stories, enter Pease. OKAY UNDERSTAND: THIS GROUP OF FRIENDS IS RARE. NEVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE – NEARING 25 YEARS – HAVE I EVER KNOWN A GROUP OF MEN TO HAVE SO MANY AWKWARD AND ENTERTAINING MOMENTS. WE GO FROM LAWYER TO SCALPER (I’M DEAD SERIOUS!) TO FISH FARMER TO ELECTRICIAN AND EACH … WELL, I JUST WISH YOU KNEW THEM TO ENJOY THIS AS MUCH AS I DID!

Pease is the scalper! After a year, I don’t even know Pease’s real name – awkward! (THANKS MATT - I'm learning something new every day - today I learned that Pease's first name is MATT) But Pease sneaks, ‘obviously’ into the back yard and then proceeds to tell us about his day. He had three events, the last being Elton John which bombed! But apparently the first two were successful for him. How do we know such things? Well, he had so much money in his back pocket that when he bent over to pick up a dropped ticket his pants split … ‘obviously’!



(These pictures are not from this weekend. This was Em and Craig being funny, the boys at the "Best Activity EVER!", and Bunk on his very own Birthday Stripper Pole! - how can they not be fantastic!) Between that story, ‘tickets’, Bees in the house, the moon shining brightly, Bunks relationship with all persons in the local food industry(who cares their orientation!), CL’s constant ‘obviously’ … well, we were only missing Monti’s constant ‘appropriate’ remarks! I crawled into bed that night with the simple knowledge that my friends are the greatest!

Yesterday morning we had our Beach Walk … the weather was perfect!



Then we ventured back to Utah! Sure, I wanted to stay to see Cass’ latest creation for sharing, to hear E tell me that ‘actually, I know’ a million times, to contemplate life as I know it with Robs, to be entertained by the rarities I proudly claim as my friends … but it was time to come back to Utah.

So I’m back, the mountains are pretty, the temple close, and grown-up-life is occurring ... but I’m just wondering if anyone is game to go next weekend?

18.4.08

Kickie-wickie - without hesitation now!

Okay … now for things of substance and importance!

During my ‘time down’ my roommates recommended a meeting with a certain gentleman. I was reluctant; I was pretty looped out on meds. To meet someone new, to try to create a foundation, to try to see him for who he truly is and what he can truly become … I didn’t know if I was able. But they were confident that I would find something so brand new, so joyous in this new relationship. Yes, I initially was hesitant and felt guilty (shocking that I would have any feelings of guilt!). I had someone that I was dedicated to … I knew I was walking on ice. I had made myself a promise after I returned from my mission: ONLY ONE. I could not waste time on more than that … I needed to keep myself disciplined and dedicated.

But I was tired of HIM. I was tired of the back and forth of the whole situation. What was he thinking? Was he moving forward? Was he just playing with the heart? I needed a break. I convinced myself that it was merely that ~ a break. I would return, with a full heart and appreciation for what I have. I began the ‘detour’…

… However, after two weeks I’ve made the ultimate life-altering decision. I’m not getting back on that other well-worn path. I’m done.

I am a little bit in love with John Krasinski. I openly admit that, especially after last night.

I know, I know … what about Patrick? McDreamy? Thursday nights full of McSweetness and all other things Mc? the MerDer love and hate? the constant dark and twisty of things? the hair?

Here’s what happened … Jim steps in and is very honest – all season 1 McDreamy hides the truth. He gives no false hopes – season 2 finale only to take himself away four episodes into season 3. He offers no empty promises – it’s not all gravy McDreamy! He does not have test after test to pass – Chief? House? He speaks his mind – not just gazing from across the operating room. He has all these faces that are priceless – McDreamy has a few great elevator moments. I could continue but I’ve made my decision.

Thursday nights at 8 Mountain Standard Time my ‘ONE TV TIME SLOT’ for my life is being replaced by John/Jim, Jenna/Pam. It gives hope. It lets you laugh one minute, scream with frustration at Michael the next, then you’ll wipe a tear away as he looks right at you and says, “I’m not kidding, I got it a week after we started dating.”

Okay … seriously (a fall back to my Greys), I love the OFFICE. My horrible addiction to the not-so-uplifting-adultery-filled-McDreamy-show has been replaced with my addiction to the fabulous-funny-laugh-cry-laugh-laugh-laugh-Jim-Pam-dinner-on-the-roof-‘hi’-faces-smirks-desk-moving-filled SHOW!

Just thought I’d make this public knowledge.

Kwik Wrap Up

Okay … I’m great! I’m on the mend and although there are many funny, embarrassing, classic incidents I could retell on this little internet site of Kas ~ I’m going to skip them. The highlights:

• Robs went shopping and cooked up a storm while in town – I wish the drugs hadn’t made those memories go away! My roommates and I enjoyed every bite … ROBIN IS AMAZING!
• Robs was convinced that the medicine I was on was going to clog my system and cause even greater distress in the end, even though the doctor had prescribed something for said clog. She brought back, amoungst all the goodies, this from the store. I was REQUIRED to drink it. She would come in each morning with an amazing breakfast and this, each afternoon I would have an incredible lunch and this, and each night ~ you guessed it – HAVE YOU EVER HAD THIS?!?! It is not a fantastic taste, I was a four year old for a minute and plugged my nose with each swig. BUT IT WORKS!
• Robs kept life easy – then she had to go home. Not my favorite but such is life.
• I made it to Mama Dawn’s baby shower – HOW CUTE IS SHE!
• I DROVE! I felt like I was 16 again, how fun is driving!
• I went back to work … a bit too early, I can say that now, but I managed.
• Mason told me all about how I fell off a horse ~ I love that kid! ~ and how he wasn’t allowed to climb on me. So sweet!
• Kirsten and I made it up to an incredible reception
(a creation of Matt Dickamore) where I got to sit and enjoy the atmosphere while Kirst went picture crazy and we had ‘LITTLE GIRL LOVE’
• Porter was oh so careful to come down and give ‘Marcia’ a hug at the end of the night ~ I love that kid!

Thank you all for your love, cards, gifts, thoughts and prayers!

11.4.08

Krazy Monday - Part II

Okay … so Monday!

Monday, as far as I’ve heard … was a rough day! Again, due to the high doses of medication my mind was not all there (please keep all comments to yourself regarding my mind and its presence when I am not looped out on pain killers!).

I woke up on Monday morning in pain. I think I had slept some. I stood up and walked over to the shelves where Ashley had put all of my medication the night before ~ shelves I had put up myself! I started opening bottles and pouring pills. NOTE TO ANYONE THAT MIGHT BE CONSIDERING FALLING OFF OF A HORSE: WHEN WAKING UP AND ADMINISTERING MEDICATION TO YOURSELF, READ THE FINE PRINT (IE: TAKE WITH FOOD). I took my medicine and then apparently started to be noisy.

Meanwhile, in a room adjacent to mine … Martha was being woken up. Martha is a diabetic and she has this nifty little monitor that gives her notices on her blood sugar levels, this particular morning she was low. The thing is, with these nifty little monitors, they are not REAL TIME (as Jack would tell us), they run 20 minutes behind. So Martha was being woken up to an alert that twenty minutes prior to her eyes opening her body was in need of some serious sugar.

Sweet Martha however heard her noisy roommate and came in to check on her prior to getting any food in her own system. I was standing in the middle of my room.

“How ya doing Kas?” Martha asked while standing against my doorway.
“I think I’m going to puke …” I lean forward. Martha, with cat-like instincts (again, where did this phrase come from? I tend to look at cats as the lazy type, it’s the dogs that are quick to greet you at the door with tails wagging or go on a run!) quickly grabbed my waste basket (not a real basket, thank goodness!) and I began to expel all of the medicine that I had just given myself. Martha stood there holding the basket. After a bit I was done. She then took the basket outside to the trash bin and cleaned out my trash, all with low blood sugar mind you.

The next thing I remember I was standing in the kitchen. Martha was standing in her doorway. She didn’t look so good, in fact, she looked much like I felt and for any of you that are wondering, that was awful. She began to sink to the floor. My ears started ringing. I asked her what she needed. She said something but my ears were ringing so loudly that I could not hear her. I began to panic, I was going deaf! Screaming I told her my ears were ringing and I couldn’t hear her, she screamed back at me and told me she needed the red box from the kitchen drawer, her insulin shot. At this point I was in a bit of pain and had fallen to the floor and was reaching for the drawer. I was crying, convinced I was going deaf and in a bit of pain. She was screaming which drawer and I finally managed to get it.

It was at this point, with both Martha and I laying on the floor of our sweet little house that Martha offered up a prayer, “Help.”
I managed to get the insulin shot to her. She was too weak to give it to herself. Where were our other roommates, the medical smart ones? The ringing in my ears was getting louder which lead to my screaming being louder – not logical but I was in pain and realizing I would never hear sweet voices and pretty noises again! Maren made it upstairs as Ashley walked in the door – a thirty second return rate on that prayer, yes, Martha is living right!

Here is what they saw: Martha, pale and weak, laying in her doorway. Me, screaming that I was loosing my hearing and trying to figure out if my pain was more important than that, now somehow standing in the middle of my room. Maren took Martha, Ashley took me.

In the mess of the past ten minutes Martha had actually managed, miraculously, to get some food in her body … the body that was now reacting to food. She was convinced however that both she and I had carbon monoxide poisoning, her ears were ringing – the power of suggestion. Maren was feeling fine and convinced Martha that we were not all going to die of carbon monoxide poisoning. Martha then, in a bit more of a logical manner, went to all of the information given with the meds I had just taken. I was still screaming. She lied, “Kas, it’s a side-effect of the medicine. The ringing is just a side-effect.” I didn’t hear her, my ears were ringing.

Ashley, in a Dr. Karev type manner, took my face in her hands. “Kas, you’re fine.” She kept repeating this apparently until I stopped my hysterical crying. It was at this moment that I admitted with sniffles and tears, “Maybe I should have stayed at the hospital last night.” Yes, here it is folks, Matt and Ashley, in their logical and non-medicated state, were the wise ones the day before. Ashley smiled and I’m certain on some level gloated … it’s not often that I acknowledge my wrongness and someone else’s rightness. She managed to get some medicine inside of me, I put my head to my pillow and fell asleep. Martha did the same.

Both Martha and I woke up later that morning, rested and able to hear. I still have no idea why my ears were ringing so bad.

Kirsten and the boys came to visit!








Honestly, I don’t remember them coming but it’s been documented! Porter and Mason brought Marcia ~ for those of you that don’t know all of the guys I grew up with refer to me as Marcia, I don’t remember them ever calling me by Kasi. So naturally Dave’s children also refer to me as such. After questioning Porter over Easter weekend I found that they are confident that my real name really is Marcia and Kasi is a stranger! ~ a loaf of yummy bread that we shared. Then the little guys got to watch Charlie and Lola in the sweet 'kids place' we have in our house! Sweet Benny and I shared a smoothy. And though I don’t remember I’m certain life was happier while they were visiting!

I slept more and took more meds and slept some more.

Then, late Monday night happiness and relief arrived in the form of … ROBIN! This is one memory I am certain of. Amazing Ashley, who had been on Kasi Watch 2008 all day, had gone to get her at the airport. When I heard them upstairs, I had made it downstairs!, my heart leapt!

UNDERSTAND: I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH THE MOST AMAZING FRIENDS. I LOVE THEM WITH ALL OF MY HEART. I WOULD NOT TRADE THEM FOR A MILLION DOLLARS. THEY INCREASE MY HAPPINESS ON A DAILY BASIS. BUT HAVING A FAMILY MEMBER … WELL, IT WAS GOOD.



Robin came down stairs, we hugged and I cried ~ happy tears. She brought pictures of the kids … I love them. She brought me a Robin brownie … I loved it. She brought constant care and love … I love her. She gave me meds and I went to bed … I love that. I slept.

That was Monday!

6.4.08

Kas Fell off a Horse ... Part I

Alright … so we’re going to do this in parts because bless all of your hearts – this is just too long of a story to be put into one massive memoir. So today I’ll do Saturday and Sunday, the two days I don’t actually remember all too well but have spent time over the past two days discussing with relevant parties what did actually occur.

Saturday, 29 March, I was down in the Provo/Lehi area visiting with some friends. It was a fun afternoon filled with Bridal shows, surf talk, and catching up on old times. As I was heading back north I decided to stop in on my old mission companion, Amberly Felix – henceforth known as Felix. As I drove to her house I passed a herd of horses and thought in my mind, as Tim McGraw was singing in the background, wouldn’t it be fun to ride one of those things.

Well, Felix agreed that it would be quite entertaining for her to watch me on her horse that she had just acquired, Buddy. Her ‘special friend’ Dane and I got me up on the horse and we were doing just fine, Felix taking pictures to document said event. After a few minutes of meandering the pasture I asked Dane how long people rode prior to running, like in the film Run Away Bride. Now I was expecting him to say a length of time, a month, two months, twenty lessons or so. But he looked up at me and said, once they are confident French. From across the pasture Felix started laughing and encouraged us to begin galloping or trotting or whatever the proper horse terminology is to describe the horse moving at a fast pace. DO NOT OFFER ME A CHALLENGE – I WILL ACCEPT WITHOUT THOUGHT! I have the long curly hair of Julia, I could ride a horse in a big white dress, I would run, I would be graceful ! We started going fast …

… the next thing I knew I was on my back next to a pile of horse (insert your frequently used word for what Grandma Phyllis would refer to as large bowel movements). I was laughing, Felix was laughing, Dane was making sure the horse didn’t step on me. I was in some pain. I got up, I was in some more pain. I took fifteen minutes to walk to a car that was all of sixty yards away. I bit my tongue, not allowing any not so great words to fly out of my mouth.

We went to the hospital.

Upon arrival at the hospital I had to use the restroom, however, walking had become something that caused me to shed tears and face a pain that my kidney stones pain pails in comparison to. We did make it to the restroom and Felix, bless her sweet heart, offered to go in with me. I was against that idea (this was the first big to-do I created about my pride and how I needed to keep it intact). I spent what I can only imagine was close to ten minutes in the restroom doing what one does in the restroom only to come to the grand end and be unable to grab the warm-up pants I had thrown on from the floor. My mind began to race, how could I do this? I leaned one way and found a great pain, leaned the other and found an even greater. I bent forward only to shoot back up at lighting speed which hurt like the dickens (where did this phrase come from by the way?). After another few minutes trying every which way with every fiber of my being my first slash in the Pride of Kas was made, I called Felix in. And she laughed, I cried not only because of the pain but also because of the rather embarrassing situation I found myself in.

The rest of this post is what has been put together from present parties and what my drugged up mind does actually remember.

We had been waiting for what to me seemed to be an eternity, likely fifteen minutes. I was standing against the wall, sitting was too painful. Standing however seemed to not be the best position after a few minutes because all of the sudden I was green and about to pass out. Felix and Dane sat me down, I began to shake and Dane made his way directly to the nurses sitting behind the glass enclosure with the clipboards that offered an unknown amount of time between me and the meds behind them. Dane used language that is used by the men that drive our Century trucks across the country and the next thing I knew I was in a wheel chair behind the glass enclosure.

The nurse, name unknown, began to take my vitals. While she was doing this I became a bit undone. All of the sudden I realized I was in a hospital, my vitals were being taken, I was in unbearable pain, and my parents were thousands of miles away. I began to breath at a rapid pace and the next thing I knew my body was frozen, literally. My hands were crossed in front of me and I could not uncross them. My back/bum was hurting in an awful bad way but I couldn’t get myself to move in the chair so that I was comfortable because I couldn’t get my legs to move. This caused me to become a bit more undone, hysterical some dramatic people might say. At this point I lost the ability to speak. I have come to find out that I was hyperventilating and my muscles were without the oxygen necessary to function. If I had remained calm my problem would have simply been the ache in my back from falling off of Buddy.

I got into a room, they put an IV in me (bless that nurse’s heart because these vains are far from hospitable to any type of needle!), placed an oxygen mask on my face that they didn’t turn on so that I would breath in my own carbon whatever and calm down (a high tech version of a paper bag I suppose), and left me to calm down. Felix and Dane were on either side of me speaking words in hushed, calming tones so that I would start to relax. In walked Jason or Justin, henceforth known as Jason because I like that name better, the hot nurse! I wish that I could remember what he looks like because everyone that came to visit me at the hospital says that I spoke so highly of this amazing angel in scrubs but alas those dang drugs that he gave me have caused all memory to have vanished regarding his handsome features. Jason and I became fast friends, he attached the morphine bag to my IV.

The next thing Jason told me was that Nurse Betty, not really her name but I don’t remember that either, was coming to get me for Xrays. At this point I had calmed down and Felix and Dane were out getting phones and making calls back to Felix’s family. Nurse Betty took me into the Xray room and began moving me onto the Xray bed. PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN! I began to hyperventilate again and freeze, which actually was quite helpful for the Xrays. She turned me every which way to get the necessary pictures and by the end of what again seemed like an eternity of pain she pulled me back onto the warm mattress. In walks hot Jason! He asks me if I’m in pain, I sarcastically reply with tears in my tears that ‘No, these were tears of joy to be seeing him again.’ He at that point upped my morphine dose.

I got back into my ER room, still hyperventilating but before too long my body relaxed and the morphine began to make me funny. I confessed love for Jason, told Felix not to call my parents, confessed more undying love for Jason and fell asleep.

At some point, I’m not certain when, I began to ask for my friend Matt Dickamore. Matt and I have known each other since the good ol’ days of MexiCasa and Sunburst (USU 2001). Apparently, in crisis, I trust Matt and know that he will not call my parents in the middle of the night to worry them about an overly-dramatic-daughter who has no pain tolerance. Felix began the hunt for Matt Dickamore.

The next thing that I remember - apparently there was more confessing to Jason, Dane being ultra-incredible and comforting, Felix frantically trying to get a hold of Matt, some friendly flirting with Jason, me freaking out and bawling to Matt on the phone, and some begging of more morphine from Jason in here somewhere – I was being moved to the maternity ward, the only place where a bed was available. It was probably close to 2 am at this point. Matt had arrived. I was leaving the Hot Nurse! Dang it!

The night was a blur … what was left of it. I remember at one point opening up my eyes to see Felix, Dane, and Matt standing at the end of my bed talking in those hushed tones. My mind fled from that place quickly and began thinking of Cass and Eli, Dad and Mom, Bunk and Em, Mac and Sam, Adam, Robs, and everyone that was thousands of miles away and then, in a way that I think only a chosen few of us can, I jumped to the dramatic conclusion that I would never see any of these people again. I was going to die in the maternity ward, not giving birth, but with a broken back and a broken heart because I was far from my family. I began to hyperventilate again, this time all three came to my side. I eventually calmed down.

Another fuzzy memory was me anxious and unable to sleep. I have no idea what time it was but I think that perhaps it was after Felix and Dane had left to sleep for two hours before they had to speak in Church and Matt had taken over Kasi Watch 2008. I don’t know if I asked or if he just remembered that country music was my favorite but I think that perhaps he sang the song from Civil War, the only country song he knows I’m certain, and ran a green latex glove up and down my arms and over my face … The country song was soothing, the latex glove relaxing … I fell asleep. And apparently Matt did too (All pictures but this one courtesy of Matt, he had discovered camera and kept himself entertained! This picture courtesy of the drugged up yours truly. I could have sworn they rolled in a cot for Matt to sleep on but maybe this was it ... sorry about that Matt!)

The next morning, the sun was up but I have no idea what hour it was, I finally consented to calling my parents. The next part is a blur. I talked, Matt talked, the nurses talked. Then I got on the phone with my mom and she asked if I consented to have Matt be (insert appropriate legal jargon here for the person who is allowed to know things when I’m looped out on meds and make decisions). I was rather looped out at this point and time and I responded with “Why Matt, why not Uncle Max?” Apparently, although my love for my Uncles is equal, in moments of legal jargon and drugs I choose Uncle Max. My mother laughed, which did not make me happy (a slash in Kasi Pride, as if being in hospital was reason to laugh at a girl!), and then asked me if Uncle Matt was there. I told her he was not. Then she asked if Matt Dickamore was there, I looked up and low and behold there he was. I responded that he was there. Then Mom asked if it was okay if he was that “person”. Okay. Then the nurse asked me, okay. Then they doped me up to high heaven.

Shortly after the medicine kicked an couple missionary set came into the room. Here in UT - and I'm certain when requested in other parts of the country and world - a couple is assigned to come and administer the sacrament each Sunday to those that desire such. It was after this was done that the sweet couple asked if I had been given a blessing, in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we believe that the power of God to administer to the sick and afflicted is on the earth as it was in the time of Jesus and his apostles. The elderly brother and Matt, both members of the Church who hold said power, then gave me a blessing. I was told to be patient and to accept the things which would come. I am so grateful to a Father in Heaven who hears the quiet pleads of His children and responds so readily through His worthy servants. I remember being younger and making frequent trips to the hospital for ear infections and having my Dad lay his hands on my head. I don't remember the words spoken but I do remember the calmness that overcame my young anxious body. I know that this particular morning that calmness spread across the country to my family. I am so grateful to a Father that is aware of the ache and pain of His children and responds with love and understanding. I am so grateful to a Father who trusts His Sons with the opportunity to be the mouthpiece so that this gift can be offered. Patience and acceptance ... a blessing I so desperately needed. And I am grateful to the Sons that so readily share this gift with those who stand in need. It was not a blessing that I remembered that day, in fact it was not until I spoke with Mom on Friday that she shared with me ~ and I retained ~ the words of that blessing. But now that my mind is clear I am able to see the Hand of the Lord and feel His assurance and love as I heed the counsel given that day.

Matt called Ashley Stolworthy, another USU friend. She was down with pajAmas (please pronounce as I would!), and other necessities, however, I was incredibly concerned about my hair … vanity apparently increases on morphine. I needed a comb to braid it. (Obvious hair issues!)

She returned, blessed woman, with a comb and two hair ties. She offered to braid my hair but I was confident I could do it on my own. I began to sit up and found pain in any position I attempted. Both Ash and Matt gave me the eye, Ash again offered to braid, Matt encouraged that, I declined. I finally found a position I could sit in and began braiding. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the braiding of hair, you have to bend your arms as you do said action. As I bent my arms all sorts of beeps and buzzing would occur as I was cutting off my IV and messing with the thing on my finger that had a very noisy machine attached to it. Ash offered again, Matt insisted that she finish the job, and with each comment either of them made my pride grew. I am 24, almost 25, I have a grown-up job, I drive a grown-up car, I make grown-up decisions, I CAN BRAID MY OWN HAIR! To both of their chagrin, I finished the task – no slashes in Kasi Pride. And might I add that the braids looked fantastic!

Apparently my new nurse, who I loved but can’t remember to save my life, Janis, was fantastic. She spoke Spanish and I was quick to tell her that I too spoke the blessed language. We spoke Spanish. I know, some of you are thinking … not true, she’s lying. But I promise that my Spanish improved on high doses of pain killers and I spoke brilliant Spanish!

I slept some.

Matt and Ashley continued to make the necessary phone calls. My family, having gathered all together at this point (Parents, Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, and Downs!) were calling frequently to hear the latest update on the back broken daughter. At this point the doctor, Dr. Faux – whom we had yet to meet but frequently spoke with Janis on the phone – had verified that the something off of L1 and L2 had indeed been fractured, a painful ordeal. Bless Matt and Ashers for dealing with the family … you think I’m dramatic?!?

I slept some more. Each time I awoke I would panic, forgetting why I was in the hospital and beginning to sit up and move only to have the pain in my back remind me that something had happened. Poor friends, Felix would just tell me what happened over and over again. Matt however, who I think had the longer stay in the hospital with me, began to get creative, especially in that maternity ward. I think that last time I asked he responded with something along the lines of “Well, you’ve had six kids and you’re recovering from a rather intense surgery. Babies are doing fine. But Kasi, who is the Father?”

As the day moved on visitors came. Steven Downs, after being tracked down, showed up to send word from a ‘family member’ back to the family. Not that the family didn’t appreciate Matt and Ashley, at this point I’m certain my mother would have given me up for Matt because of his kindness and patience with her and the rest of the Indiana Clan. But I think the ‘second witness’ thing was coming into play. I don’t remember anything of Steven’s visit. The Highlights that have been shared with me: Steven and Matt named my catheter, Carl (which, of course, was a huge pride issue for me! I was numb and couldn’t feel the bed pan, was in too much! Janis told me a catheter was a good thing but I freaked out. I could get up an walk … PRIDE PRIDE PRIDE but ultimately humility overcame and the catheter came.), people fell in love with Steven, I slept, I got cold, Steven suggested that I not get the catheter and warm myself up naturally, Matt agreed, another slash to Kasi Pride, Ashley assured me I was getting the catheter.

Then I do have a memory. I was frustrated. I was tired. I was trying to sleep, sleep is essential when you are trying to get out of the hospital. Ashley was on my right, Matt on my left. They would not let me sleep. I was so tired. I closed my eyes and the next thing I knew Ashley was pinching my cheek, “Kas, wake up.” I would and I would announce that I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. Then she would explain that I wasn’t breathing while I was sleeping. Whatever. I would close my eyes and fall back asleep. Then I would hear Matt screaming, or what to me was screaming, and open my eyes. There he was inches away from my face waking me up, “Kasi.” “What?” “Stay awake.” “No, Matt I’m tired, I just want to go to sleep, leave me alone.” “You can go to sleep but you have to breath.” Whatever. I would close my eyes and fall back asleep. Then I felt something crawling up my arm and I opened my eyes again, this time to announce that Matt needed to kill the spider that was on my arm. No spider, the green latex glove was back. I made a face, closed my eyes and heard Ash tell Matt that I was not a fan. Matt protested and continued convinced that I loved it the night before and that I was breathing and doing fine with it now. I just wanted to sleep.

Shelley Kohl came, bless her heart. I slept. Ashley called my friends, bless her heart. Felix and Dane returned, bless their hearts. Matt kept talking to the family, bless his heart.

THEN DOCTOR FAUX came. I was being moved out of the maternity ward. I was in a new room. I don’t remember much about this part of the day. Dr. Faux told me I was staying another night. I hated that. I asked what I had to do to get out of the hospital. He told me, in front of Ashley and Matt – Kasi Pride completely gone at this point and time so nothing left to slash – that I had to pee on my own, eat solid foods on my own, and take oral meds. I told him fine. I do remember with clarity looking over to Matt and Ashers at this point and both of them giving me the look of ‘NO NO NO’, I failed to heed their wise counsel. I’m certain that both of them knew once I heard I could get out of the hospital that I loathed so much – inspite of my love for Jason and adoration for Nurse Janis – I would get out. My family was concerned but knew that I was bound and determined. Kas had been given a challenge, to get out of the hospital, she was taking it. MY PRIDE CAME BACK SUPERSIZED! I asked for the catheter to be taken out. Done. I asked for food. Done. I went to the bathroom. Done. Ashers took me home! Broken back – ha! I was drugged up and sleeping in my bed on Sunday night, 24 hours after falling off of Buddy.