...

I'm leaning into the fear to get a happy ending.

IN CASE YOU ARE A ROOMMATE STILL IN EUROPE ... DO NOT READ ... IDOL SPOILER

If I’ve told him once … I’ve told him once. And usually what I tell Adam is the bottom line, usually. I'm going to have to talk to him and Adam. Or maybe have Adam talk to him. That’s all about that.

In other news … Let’s take a moment to discuss babies. I understand I have a euphoric view of this ‘world with a newborn’, I do. I understand there are midnight feedings, an abundant amount of laundry created by someone smaller than the size of my forearm, tears without explanation, and personal hormones to boot. Yet, when I see a little one … well, wedlock doesn’t seem quite a necessary factor, the uterus gains its own heartbeat, and I ache a little.

Don’t misunderstand, I love my life. 26 is bound to be a fantastic, adventuresome, spontaneous, and a slightly dramatic year if the first few days are any indication. I like discovering Saturday morning in UT that I will be spending the afternoon in California. I like waking up at five and greeting the world on my own terms, truly. I love it in spite of the mournful attitude at work right now. I truly love my life. But sometimes, more often than ever before, I find myself rocking and humming Lullaby but with empty arms, gravitating toward the blogs of baby pictures, holding the baby that could be lying in the crib, and wondering if perhaps I should make other decisions. And that's enough on that, until next year.

In further other news … I’m an Idol fan when Maren is home or if I’m up at the House on the Corner. I don’t follow religiously but Koji has brought updates each week, telling me he placed an extra vote in my name for Kris Allen. AND NOW … because of the four votes Koji placed for me on Tuesday night … KRIS ALLEN IS IT! AMAZING! I literally jumped out of chair in shock with I was told at the theatre last night. It took everything inside of me to sit patiently up at the House on the Corner and not say a thing, waiting for the show to be enjoyed. WHAT A SHOW! I’m not normally one to speak up for Fox but in this case … NICE WORK FOX! I sat through an entire Black Eyed Peas song, Matt sat through the entire Keith Urban song … hell has frozen over folks. I may or may not have listened to strickly Kris Allen music at work today, to "Make You Feel My Love" on repeat for over an hour perhaps. Thanks to Koji and America for making his dreams come true!

To Be Mary ...

One of my favorite Disney films, non-animated, is Mary Poppins. I’m certain there are many physiological deductions that can be gathered by that, Mom? Might I share some of my own?

I love the fact that she flies in with the wind on a blustery afternoon. I love the sun shine, I love lazy days on the beach. If I had to choose however, I would chose the blustery windy and close to rainy days. On those days I feel as if the world is echoing back my own emotions. Not that I’m always ‘dark and twisty’ but rather that there is more than just a clear sky with no thoughts, deep not dark. And the fact that she doesn’t have to get on an airplane … merciful heaven!

I love the fact that she walks in, and within a moment, has taken complete control. She is not forceful but she is not feared either. She knows that in this particular situation she will lead and do the necessary job of helping people realize what is truly important in this life. It’s not the money in the bank Mr. Banks is so concerned with nor is it the whole political reform Mrs. Banks is active in, bless her heart though for trying to change the world women knew. She has a mission, a goal for the good of others, and she will accomplish it, period.

I love the fact her bag is magical. I need a magical bag that will fit all of my needed furniture without calling for a truck – dang it that I don’t live in CA with the F150s (yes, I know what those are) and Tacomas in abundance. I’m also certain that the magical bag held within it perfect boxes for all of her thoughts and concerns (baggage as others might refer to it as). She only pulled them out when she needed to, not before nor after.

I love the fact that she has her best friend, Bert. He is reliable, constant. His arm is always there to keep her steady. His pitch is always perfectly harmonized with hers and they both know the words to the song. They jump into paintings together and have tea on the ceiling. She keeps him grounded while he reminds her that there is fun to be had and life to be lived outside of her goal, inclusive of her goal. They dance together. They get dirty together and watch the night of London from the rooftops. They have not seen each other for quite some time and … they have a Holiday together. They do not get gushy or mushy, they are just Mary and Bert, Bert and Mary.

I love the fact that life was falling apart and she came in and smiled a little, jumped a little, sang a little, danced a little, ignored what the world would have her do a lot … and flew away at the end, having fixed the lives of those she cared for. She moved on …