Tied up with a Bow

I think too much … I stay up late into the night thinking … I get on airplanes thinking … I watch a movie and find myself having to rewind because I’ve gotten lost in thought … I wake up in the middle of the night and my mind is already going at a million miles an hour … I attempt to distract myself with a book but find myself rereading the same page for hours …

After something occurs that has so many implications and yet so many unknowns … After something occurs that might offer a whole new view on life … After something occurs that might very well break me if I’m not careful … After something occurs that shakes me to the very core … After something occurs that I had never expected to occur … After something occurs that was not suppose to occur … After something does not occur …

… It would turn out that I’m a girl. I might roll my eyes, I might make some sarcastic or cynical remark … but I do go weak in the knees. I do feel the butterflies awaken. I do forget to breathe. My heart does skip a beat, sometimes two or even three.

So after all is said and done and all my thoughts on the subject have been categorized and dramatized and simplified and logically analyzed I’ve come to one final conclusion. It was perfect, for that moment in time. It was exactly what I would have imagined it being, even though I had not imagined it. It was so perfect in fact that I want to steal it from the banks of my memory and put it in a box, wrapped with a perfectly tied bow, so that one day I can pull it out and show my granddaughter how truly perfect it can be.

Seconds

I'm stopping. Yesterday I ran, keeping myself preoccupied with the hms and hos of life. I napped for two hours, awoke in the middle of the night to a mind full of thoughts and questions and a heart full of emotion. I have a gift, avoidance. So I threw in some Greys and straightened my hair, then read a mindless novel which simply allowed me to run to a reality that isn't my own.

Today was much of the same office/office/theatre ... until now, almost 2 am ... as I take my turn. Sitting here in the quiet, with only the sound of sniffles every few minutes to interrupt the constant crickets outside, my mind and heart finally get to have their way. I'm happy to do it. It is the very least I can do and yet to stop ... to let my thoughts and emotions have a moment to exist, to face this reality... is petrifying.

It's the little things that count, no matter how many times I say this is never seems to stick. But right now, as I breathe in and out and look up to see pictures of people that have moved on, I see that life is in the seconds not in the years.

The seconds of the email chains at work from friends, who may be far from me now, with mindless chatter. The seconds of the "Good Morning Sunshine" emails from Dad. The seconds of the call in the middle of the night, from the one that knows I'll still be up, to be the distraction. The second I first smell the 'cold'. The seconds of the wink from across the office in the middle of a calling frenzy. The seconds of laughter in the basement and the tantrums in the kitchen. The second of the foot in the face, the hand on the back, the high five. The seconds of the Friday phone call. The 'edge of our seat' second as the curtain goes down at intermission. The seconds of the goodnight prayers.

I need to find a balance ... I need to find that time. I need to find the moments, the seconds and enjoy them while I am in them rather than days later while driving to a meeting and rechecking the week's TODO list. This life is too precious, this time is too rare to waste in 'avoiding' things that hurt or cause one to change (which is often defined as such to me). It is happiness in the happenings that count, not just the busyness of the day and the length of the TODO list.

It is the second ... this second that counts.

Mara

After a courageous journey Mara has left this life and returned to her Father in Heaven.



All of my thoughts and love are there with you.

STOP and LISTEN

Anyone you talk to will have an opinion (If my words can create, Hell was certainly being ice-skated on Sunday evening when my least political friend had something to say regarding the current race). I am not exempt from that group of anyone ~ goodness I was called a fan of Marxism because of someone’s opinion of my opinion. My opinion regarding the “Lipstick Bulldog” is far from favorable when it comes to her political integrity. But I fear that many that read this will simply read this as fact, rather than my somewhat biased opinion that it truly is. So I will refrain, for now, from addressing her weaknesses and strengths.

However, I plead with you to not take everything you receive in your inbox regarding any of the Senators, inclusive of those two whom I whole-heartedly support, and the Governor as fact. Anything can be placed under a picture to pull at your heart strings, to make you shed a tear, to invoke feelings of frustration. Anyone can sit down at their keyboard to compile the latest lies and attach them to pictures taken at an event that has absolutely nothing to do with the claim being made. I plead with you to listen to the candidates, whether on the federal level or your local congressman, as they discuss the issues. I plead with you to read the facts that come from RELIABLE SOURCES. Do your research, don’t base your vote or lack there of on a speech or a picture that showed up in your mailbox. Do not forward information on that you know is incorrect, whether against your candidate or for. Do not add to the flame of ignorance that is already running rampant in today’s society.

I plead with you to listen … learn … and understand for yourself. Most certainly I would be thrilled if you voted for the team that I currently offer my time to. However, BE INFORMED! I plead with you to do more than take a stand for Change, the Bush-McCain-McChange-McSame campaign or the Obama CHANGE. I plead with you to CHANGE the standard of ignorance that surrounds us. Get informed! One speech, one fox news report, one email from your uncle or boss, one sentence you overhear out of the mouth of your current lover ~ these are not reasons to cast your ballot. Take heed to the issues, take heed to the character and integrity of the candidate. Ignorance is far from bliss.

I could go on but let that soapbox lecture sink in … I’ll update on my weekend in Whitefish Montana with Senator Biden a bit later on this week.