Seconds

I'm stopping. Yesterday I ran, keeping myself preoccupied with the hms and hos of life. I napped for two hours, awoke in the middle of the night to a mind full of thoughts and questions and a heart full of emotion. I have a gift, avoidance. So I threw in some Greys and straightened my hair, then read a mindless novel which simply allowed me to run to a reality that isn't my own.

Today was much of the same office/office/theatre ... until now, almost 2 am ... as I take my turn. Sitting here in the quiet, with only the sound of sniffles every few minutes to interrupt the constant crickets outside, my mind and heart finally get to have their way. I'm happy to do it. It is the very least I can do and yet to stop ... to let my thoughts and emotions have a moment to exist, to face this reality... is petrifying.

It's the little things that count, no matter how many times I say this is never seems to stick. But right now, as I breathe in and out and look up to see pictures of people that have moved on, I see that life is in the seconds not in the years.

The seconds of the email chains at work from friends, who may be far from me now, with mindless chatter. The seconds of the "Good Morning Sunshine" emails from Dad. The seconds of the call in the middle of the night, from the one that knows I'll still be up, to be the distraction. The second I first smell the 'cold'. The seconds of the wink from across the office in the middle of a calling frenzy. The seconds of laughter in the basement and the tantrums in the kitchen. The second of the foot in the face, the hand on the back, the high five. The seconds of the Friday phone call. The 'edge of our seat' second as the curtain goes down at intermission. The seconds of the goodnight prayers.

I need to find a balance ... I need to find that time. I need to find the moments, the seconds and enjoy them while I am in them rather than days later while driving to a meeting and rechecking the week's TODO list. This life is too precious, this time is too rare to waste in 'avoiding' things that hurt or cause one to change (which is often defined as such to me). It is happiness in the happenings that count, not just the busyness of the day and the length of the TODO list.

It is the second ... this second that counts.