Why did I freak out? It wasn't really an emotional freak out, I didn't cry. But it was an email blasted to the West Coast at an early hour vomiting the facts (with a bit of dramatic flair) and how much I wonder about it all and where it all puts me, physically and emotionally. His response back, from his smart phone in bed no doubt as the hour had yet to see the sun, was laughable. "You are Juls Kas, you want to hold on, keep us all at your beck and call ... Remember though - she dances at the end of the movie, smiling."Ah, change. Growth. Sharing. These are not words that many would put under the 'strengths' category for me. But I'm consistent in that. I remember when the family moved to Indianapolis, I left behind Robert and Tyler ... those were my two 'persons' at the time. In a world without text messaging and Skyping I found a way to keep in touch, I just went 'home' every other weekend. When the 'new girl' moved into their lives, I cried. She was there, ALWAYS. She was at school with my 'persons'! She was in seminary with my 'persons'! Who was she that she could write the my 'persons' notes? Who was she that she could call him by a new, and unfounded!, nickname!?! I was furious. I remember calling that number, one of the few numbers I have memorized, one Tuesday afternoon after a trip they had taken to Nauvoo. Tyler answered and I gave him a hard time about this new girl, as I couldn't discuss the hurt but could make fun of him for his new found friend. As wise as I thought I was at 16 the 15 year old on the other end of the line was wiser, "Kasi, we're still Kas and Ty. (Insert 'new girls' name) doesn't know me like you do and she bugs me, a lot." That was all I needed. Rob echoed those sentiments in an email a week later and the tears stopped. They were still 'mine'.
I have my Petes (yep, I have two ... it fits each for the same reasons), Ace, Binx ect ect ect. These are my 'persons' now ... the ones that I count on for confidence boosting, logic finding, and conversations that range from nail color to hopes and dreams. I love them, platonically. But in my mind I'm the 'creme brulle' and watching them find their 'jello' makes me nuts, batty. I'm happy for them ... truly. I am so truly, deeply happy for them ... but there are moments when that happiness is shadowed by the 'psychotic jealousy' and I just want things to stay exactly as they are, at my house in Salt Lake.
Remember that episode of Full House when Uncle Jesse moves out? You know the one I'm talking about ... the one where Michelle gives him her stuffed animal and he stops in the door frame, back to the youngster, and a tear falls from his face. Still tugs at those heart strings? Yep. Well, the parent's are going on mission. The sister is moving out and getting married. Buba is moving back east to do the grad school thing. Bells is going to Russia for 18 months. And there are moments I feel like Michelle.But the adventure of life is just that ... the constant change that comes from choices. It's an adventure! It's constantly changing! I know my thoughts are scattered today, sorry for that. I truly am happy in my life, I love my life ... truly. {I just got back from Hawaii and am headed to AZ ... tan and happy!} I have a crush on a kid that keeps me smiling most days and am in love with my job. I have the greatest family a gal could ask for. I have the most diverse and entertaining friends on the planet. I'm just in the middle of all of the emotions right now, my favorite thing on the planet ... emotions. But I know in a minute, truly, I'll be laughing and dancing ... rejoicing in my own happiness and the happiness of all of my 'persons'. I'm just asking for that minute, yep.
"Remember though - she dances at the end of the movie, smiling."
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