Bigger than Me

Have you ever had one of those days that makes it? A day where the fruits of your labor are sweeter than you ever could have imagined? A day where you realize that in spite of your sometimes skeptic attitude or dark and twisty outlook the sun is out and the birds are chirping? A day where your vantage point is so distinctively clear that you can see that the world is actually so much more than you had ever hoped? A day where you truly see that you are a part of something which will effect generations far into the future? A day where you can look back at the past efforts and see where your mark has been left? Said days are a treasure and I have been fortunate enough to have had a few of them as of late.

Spending an afternoon on the water's edge discussing, in even-tones to my own chagrin, the past bit of life and the lives that were involved during that time was a rare and difficult task. Prior to that walk I knew the end to this particular story ~ that it had an end. But it was not until I was sitting in his shadow that I felt the finality of it all. We discussed how each had brought something real to the table, something unknown to the other. We discussed the need for that something and the need to let go of it. And then, as the silence became an active participant in the conversation, I was blessed with the moment of clarity. The moment brought back the realization that this was for the better, that happiness would come a bit easier each day individually, and that this was just a building block to something bigger ... something so much bigger.

As we sat in SLC, a reprieve from the celebrations, at Hatch's Family Chocolate (side note ~ Just stop what you are doing if you find yourself in the 8410…area and get yourself a MILK HOT CHOCOLATE. It will change your mood, level out the chemical imbalance, clear your vision, enhance euphoric feelings … it’s amazing), he began talking about the life I was a part of. With each name he mentioned it was as if a part of my heart awoke that had been sleeping since I left the place where everyone truly did know my name. As we recalled moments of trial, moments of laughter, moments of growth, moments of miracles, I was again blessed with that moment of clarity. Here was a man who I had been favored to know for a brief (albeit longer than expected) period of time. He stood tall, confident, and within his eyes was that excitement sparked by his solid knowledge of the truth. I did not do this to him, he walked the path himself. And as the conversation grew I realized he too will have moments where he realizes that this sight we have is so narrow and will be blessed with a view to help him see how big this all truly is. To be a part of a change of self, heart and mind ... to watch that happen ... to know the distance that has been traveled and the battles that had to be fought ... to see that there is so much more going on at every moment to effect our lives ... it's just so much bigger than ever expected.

And of course there was this moment yesterday, "People will judge you based on what you build, not what you destroy...For everywhere we look, there is work to be done...(T)he Spirit of Service--it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all...America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations."



To hear him speak these words, to know that he truly is the Man for the Job, to know that I play even the tiniest part in all of it ... it's so much bigger than me and all of my words, so much bigger than just the opportunities that will be allotted to my children or even their children. This is active history, certainly because of his race, but more importantly because of the vision he has been endowed with and that he shares with us all. So to you, the man I will respect and honor as my President, I say thank you. You understand this this is bigger than you, you have called upon wise men and women to help you within the wall of Washington. But more importantly you have called on the American People to see what you see and rise to the challenge of creating something far better than our own limited hopes. You have called upon us to build, to be active in the cause. You have called upon us to see that this is bigger than just me, the individual. But you remind me that I, as little as I am, can have a long and reaching effect on this, on all of this, if I will build proactively.

I like when things are bigger than me.

Click-Clock

Some people have a blanket, I used to have Hermie … but I’ll always have Click-Clock.



As a child I remember falling asleep in the Lake Forest House to the subtle sound of Click-Clock, my grandfather’s clock. Over the years as sleep and I have had a relationship that follows the pattern of my love-life Click-Clock has remained constant. I will always choose to sleep down in Grandpa’s office so that I fall quickly into a deep slumber to the invariable sound of Click-Clock. I get discouraged as others (Unnamed Aunts, although there are only three of you) reach into him to stop him for the night, only half of the time remembering that he needs to be restarted in the morning ~ causing a bit of frustration for Gramps and sadness for me. I like my sleep with Click-Clock.


Over the past few days there have been a few reminders in my life of dear old Click-Clock. In the new house we have a clock, yet unnamed. The clock provides the traditional hour by hour mark in beautiful tones. As M&M and I sat with L on Tuesday night in sweet anticipation of that 11 o’clock hour I was filled with anxiety about the move and what lay ahead. The minute the clock struck that first tone it was as if I was sitting in front of that large window watching C&E pull weeds and hearing Grandma explain why the plant needed to moved, again. By the time we made it through the whole melody and the eleven chimes marking the hour I was calm and realized this house could be home, will be home.

Then last night as I lay in a bed far from Click-Clock after a long day of work and a rush of an evening my mind played the scenarios that could be ahead. I heard giggles next to me but found my mind was already miles away in different company. As per usual, I felt the anxiety of the next few steps come quickly. But then, as if Click-Clock was there himself, I heard a clock somewhere close, as the notes pealed I smiled and then ... one … two … I fell asleep within moments.

… three … four … five … six. I awoke to the same tones.

Deliriously Happy ... and exhausted

Three things made me smile today … beyond smile … three things made me deliriously happy today.

First was getting a picture of this new blanket with arms in my email box, talk about gift from the heavens! I have vowed to not complain about the weather for the rest of this blessed white snowy season ~ how can one complain when living in a world with Snuggies?






Second came as the day progressed and B realized we needed to 'do our thing'. We decided to have a date at home tonight, me here with his and him there with mine. We did the Skype thing - little K was frightened at first but once she saw big G we knew we were in the clear. Hearing the voices, playing the games, being together apart … made life happy.

Third was getting the voicemail below in reference to a text I had sent late this afternoon in response to his text question to me. I played it, thrice, for B and we both died of hysterical laughter. Sure, it could have caused a need for conversation but rather we filled the rooms with my rhythmic squeak and his deep gasps between laughs. DD truly provided some quality entertainment, I’m still laughing as I type this.

Okay, so I just got your text.
Two things to say about that.
Number One - When was this not complicated?
Number Two – This is you we are talking about and relationships, you in a relationship. It is just the definition, by design, that is complicated.
So I’m interested in what you have to say about how it ‘just got complicated’ but give me a call back.

DD ... I'm exhausted but I'll come up tomorrow and bask in the love that is your home, enjoy the boys while reveling in the simple perfection of Q, listen to you justify my complication, and therapy it out with K.

2009 = YEAR OF THE DOG

Happy New Year! 2008 was quite the adventure … no need to recap.

2009 has already proven to be a quite an adventure and we’re only 16 hours in. BB&R had moments with Mom this afternoon, Josh had Dad. We missed out on that though, we went to look at dogs.

Let’s talk about the dog because I don’t want to talk about anything but … my dog. I’d really like my dog! When you announce things without any thought before hand, I want my dog. This afternoon when we walked into the house, I wanted my dog. When I want time to myself but don't actually want to be alone, I want my dog. As we sat, took in the moments, witnessed the events, I wanted my dog. When my eyes get fussy and my nose gets itchy, I want my dog. Before anything happens, I’d really like my dog. Before anyone goes away, I'd really like my dog. Not a yapper, not a lap-sitter, not an animal that will be trampled under your feet as guests come in and out; I want my dog. (See pictures for suggestions ~ we have to get him as a puppy!) Can we just get my dog?

By the end of the year I’d like to be in a place where I can have my dog. There are circumstances and conditions to my dog, I understand that. I’ll meet them … somehow. There are things to do, things to learn, things to overcome, things to understand, things to accept … we’ll get there, I'll get there. But if in 364 days I can be curled up with my dog … that is my dream, my goal for 2009. I think, in my warped view of things, our goals match ~ we both want our dog.