Its a Deal ... For Now.

We have been deal making friends for quite sometime now. I will say something that I want him to do and he will ask, "Well, what do I get out of it?" We'll make a deal allowing both of us to have what we want. There are those deals however that I don't want to make, so I decline politely {apparently with a batting of the eyes}. Then, as if Mama Shrink sent him the How-To, he will negatively reinforce my response. This is how our conversation went a week ago.

"So you'll need to talk about that."
"No thank you."
"With both of them."
"No thank you."
"Kas {then he takes that famous pause in the which I should know to bale out of the conversation boat but I find myself intrigued, knowing he is going to try to make me a deal and often my rewards are great!}, will you make me a deal?"
"Sure," I should not have been so quick to respond but I tend to think of the rewards rather than the few and far between negative reinforcement deals.
"You have to wear your hair curly until you have these conversations."
"You're funny."
"I'm serious."
"That's asinine."
"You agreed, curly hair until you have the conversations."

So my hair has been curly for the past week. I had one conversation Friday night on our drive back north but the deal was for both. I think it's going to come down to my tolerance for curls and my ability to think of a better deal to ONE-UP him with so that I can get out of the current deal ... this second conversation is not on the books to be had.

In other news ~ have you ever seen one of these?



I refer to it as the Magic Board but then I tried to explain it to the office folk and they wanted technical terms as me throwing out the word 'magic' every seven words was not something they could grasp and imagine. It's technically called a SmartBoard. Bottom line, this is AMAZING! I was in Mr. B's classroom last week and all of the sudden he used this MAGIC pen and WHAM things on the board moved and changed and copied and printed and ... IT WAS MAGICAL. I might have gasped. I don't understand the technical stuff behind it. I don't understand the technical stuff behind fireworks but that doesn't mean I don't love them and anxiously anticipate the holidays they accompany! I might want one of these for my house, my office, and any other place I could be in front of a crowd and want to write on the interactive Magic Board. For now I'll just stop in at Mr. B's to enjoy the magic.

Chuffed to Bits

The Lord knows who we really are, what we really think,
what we really do, and who we really are becoming.

Thank you Elder Bednar.

Ugly and Essential

Last Friday {everything} hit the fan. I was sitting at the office, trying to focus on the work that had waiting patiently for my return from the east and found that I was incapable of focus in any degree. My thoughts began to whirl and all of the sudden breathing was my focus as I realized if I stopped that I would be found by some co-worker hours later and cause my family yet another weekend of unprepared eulogies. I needed to run, not go out with CA. I am grateful for friend that had double shows on Friday and has easily accessible hide-a-keys to his empty home.

As I walked in that door, into the safety and solitude of those walls, I broke down as I realized the finality {in a very non-eternal perspective moment} of those funerals. I sobbed as I saw in my mind my uncle {the man that stood tall without emotional outbursts through all of the other funerals} shedding tears, my Grandfather giving me the two year indication, and every other moment that I had pushed aside subconsciously in order to keep moving. It was an ugly cry.

But when you are crying like that, the ugly cry with not cute sniffles but snorts and moments of slight hyperventilation, you just have to let it all out. Trying to stop prematurely stifles the emotions that are finally able to surface after days of neglect. Trying to hide or lessen this ugly sight simply makes it uglier. Knowing that, I sobbed and sobbed. After some time {the length is not important} I stood up, threw some cold water on my face, watched White Christmas ~ Bing and I have a connection that I appreciate ~ read the first 50 pages of the classically comforting Pride and Prejudice, and fell asleep. When I awoke, 12 hours later {without sleep aid mind you}, I felt just fine. I was ready to greet the world.

So when Cam, my delightful friends son, began this ugly cry {although can it really be ugly when coming from an adorable 1 year old?} I stopped my initial attempt to stifle his wails when we got into the car. I gave him the things that are comforting, binkie and blanket, smiled and let him have it out as I drove up Legacy Highway yesterday evening. After a bit he gave into the solution, sleep. When we arrived at the house I opened the car door and just looked at him for a moment, understanding the feeling of sleep after a good ugly cry. He was content. He woke up a few minutes later, a short nap was all it took, and we played on the slides and in the grass like champs ~ life was good.

Where am I going with this? Ugly cries … they are ugly, yes. They are inevitable, yes. They are essential, yes. Go ahead, let it out. You’ll sleep better and wake up to a new day.

50 Most Powerful Women

I am a bit of nerd {don't judge me}. I get email updates when Fortune prints new things I may be interested in. The 50 Most Powerful Women posted. As I went through the list I was amazed at the accomplishments of these women. With the exception of Oprah {who is just too much on occasion ~ those occasions few and far between however} we are looking at women who don't grace the front pages of magazines nor do they have a large following on Twitter. They are hard working, dedicated, motivated, passionate women whom I admire.

However, over the past year ~ brace yourself for this those of you on the West Coast who claim me as your Token Mormon who believes in the Religion but not in the culture, who will not reside for more than three years in Utah ~ other women have led by inspiration. There was a part of me, a large part of me, that came to Utah to conquer it, to leave it high on the ladder of HP and my Delta miles, to fill the quota of necessary relationships so as to not be guilt tripped by Grandma Phyl. I was on this path for a little bit. Then slowly, as I am one stubborn human being, things started to happen. Some of these things I speak of have been documented on this blog. Others I keep to me, for me.

Bottom Line, I enjoy working. I enjoy giving back to the corporate world of America. I enjoy work lunches, team activities, the challenge of a task yet to be standardized. I enjoy my friends, my co-workers, they make me laugh and smile and put up with the ridiculous I can often create and bring into the office. But this is not the life I want, nope it's not.

Just below the bottom line, I want to be a wife and a mom. Yep, there it is world. And for the me that is reading this in an alternate universe, three years behind, you'll understand when you get here. I want to love someone and respect someone and partner for life with a man that makes me laugh and lets me cry. I want to build a home with said man that children feel safe in and create a family of openness and honesty, where communication {not because wife or mother is good at it but because she refuses to let her children be as awful as she is} is prevalent and a child coming in and waking us up at one in the morning because life is just too much and he needs to vent is a pleasure. I want to hold my little baby and not worry about whether or not my inbox is being filled or the meeting will go over the necessary Partner Dynamic categories. I want to {brace yourself for this one} cook dinner in an apron ~ probably burn it a bit ~ for a husband that loves me enough to laugh at my efforts and fix it to something edible for us and that will continue this ritual until I am good at it while the kids are sitting at the table doing homework. I want to have family prayer and be that family that is far from perfect but loving every minute of life together.

I have my 50 Most Powerful Women that inspire said person inside of me, the person I suppressed for so long that is now screaming for a bit of recognition. These women do more each day than the Fortune women and without the recognition or payment. Once I get that novel written and it is picked up for the 2012 summer blockbuster hit I'll write each of you a check ~ you deserve so much more. But today I simply offer you my thanks, my adoration, my love.

50. Sara Schmidt {my twin}
49. Molly Hickcox {true}
48. Detra Ogden {real}
47. Sara Havranek {insightful}
46. Michelle Shreeve {supportive}
45. Tara Mogle {faithful}
44. Rebecca Snell Stander {understanding}
43. Becky Millar {enduring}
42. Markel Rule {loving}
41. Marilee Burdett Leishman {forgiving}
40. Megan Hartley Burke {fun}
39. Michelle Rigby Monson {listener}
38. Merilyn Wright {firm}
37. Anna Kohl Despain {thoughtful}
36. Lisa Adams Bush {steadfast}
35. Mandy Hafen Svetich {joyous}
34. Nadine Adams {courageous}
33. Jody Clark {mom}
32. Brenda Murray {zealous}
31. Alissa Udy {genuine}
30. Sharli Davis King {creator}
29. Erin Cartwright Davis {trustworthy}
28. Drea Larsen Davis {affectionate}
27. Chelsea Davis Haynie {sincere}
26. Dawn Dietlein {candid}
25. Denise Down {witty}
24. Sara Downs {quick}
23. Pat Gnadt {obedient}
22. Britney Schupple Johnson {humorous}
21. Natalie Schupple Sessions {spunky}
20. Sherra Hebdon Schupple {majestic}
19. Brittney Labrum Christensen {my advocate}
18. Susan Rahimzadeh Eyre {my model}
17. Ann Worthen {my teacher}
16. Sherrie Adams Labrum {my guide}
15. Allie White Richards {my confidant}
14. Stacy Christensen Ellison {my friend}
13. Kirsten Marie Pack Wright {my example}
12. Charity Sorensen Brooks {my chosen sister}
11. Kitt Ludlow {my third mother}
10. Janet Fuller {my other mother}
9. Betty Miles Johnson {my aunt}
8. Monica Carol French {my grandmother}
7. Shelia Mount {my aunt}
6. Laurel Mount {my aunt}
5. Robin Michelle McGregor Mount {my other sister}
4. Brianna Kimberly French {my sister}
3. Charma Call Mount {my aunt}
2. Phyllis Jean Miles Mount {my grandmother}
1. Marcia Ann Mount French {my mother}

And Again ...

Some of you that aren't quite familiar with the Mount/French routine of things are going to think I'm lying. But even those of you that think I'm lying ~ please, take a minute to remember how horrible I am at said action and how quickly you receive a phone call {even in the dead of night ~ these are my fun new little things -{}-, CA sent me an email full of them, a new recent discovery for him and I am stealing his cleverness} because my guilty conscience has overcome me and I need to apologize. Those of you who have known me longer than six months are going to nod and not find it shocking when I tell you ... I'm heading home for another funeral. Yes, that's right, we just had one on Monday and now we will have one on Tuesday.

I'll be honest, I laughed a bit at the Heavens when Dad first told me she was in the hospital ~ seriously?!? The silent tears were shed as I heard the news just a few hours later that she had passed, so quickly. It was then that the slight panic set in, I am still so exhausted from the funeral and the events that accompanied said funeral, I can't do this again. I continued in Coping Kasi mode, as I had never come out of it.

I got in the car and drove, no specific destination. There was a part of me that wanted to yell and scream. I did that. There was a part of me that wanted to just cry. I did not do that. But I did yell and scream some more. When I made it home the roommates were supportive, bless their hearts, and did not make me talk ~ which I appreciate more than I could ever convey. I was grateful for the Food Friend who reminds me that I need to do that by bringing me Paradise {my FAVORITE}. Then Kirst called, randomly, not knowing anything of my past week. Talking with her brought a few tears as we chatted about the frustrations of life. She understood. I was also grateful for Harry Potter, Book 7 is now finished and I'm not quite certain I can have another tragedy occur ~ 3 deaths now ~ without Harry, Ron and Hermione to keep me distracted.

Today was hard. CA tried to get me to talk but I was not about to have that {I do love you very much though}. I got laundry done, unpacked my suitcase from the last funeral, and repacked it. It was then that a friend ~ YAY for such things ~ invited me to get out of the house for something other than errands. I needed human contact, I needed the distraction, so off I went.

I put this face on, this over-joyous smile with the sarcastic eyes and use the word 'peachy' like my Father. I felt myself use this face countless times this evening. I was grateful for the moment when I did not put on this face and asked a friend for a blessing. The loud theatre around us became silent as he spoke, "overly-comforted ... angels around you ... greatly loved," and for that moment in time I felt the peace that I need to keep going.

This happens, death happens. It will continue to happen. I understand that. But for right now, for tonight or this morning, right at this very minute ... I hate it.

Here is the list of things that I do not hate however {yes, my own bit of 'Favorite Things' to get me through}

• Having Spice Girls come on during a 'shuffle' Ipod hour
  
• Grey's Anatomy being back in 20 days ~ don't judge
• Glee coming on next week
• Long showers
• Facebook bickering
• A LARGE Coke ~ the real deal
• Sara and Amy across from me
  
• David and Molly during Madame Guillotine
• Damn rather than Dem
  
• Jon McBride's Pose during curtain call
• White men trying to get the deaf Latin man to understand
• Greg impersentating Molly
• Molly being Molly
• Snorting laughter
• Snorting laughter in response to snorting laughter
  
• Molly on the Segway
• Greg's posture on the Segway
• Megan on the Segway
• Me on the Segway
  
• Adrien singing like she was bleached as a child ~ SHE'S AMAZING!!
• Adrien and Greg singing at 2 am
• Marki {the faithful GPS} getting me home at 2:30
• My key working

Yucky-Love Stuff

FOR THOSE GIRLS THAT ARE 100% GIRL I ADVISE THAT YOU SKIP THIS POST!!

One of my favorite modern day Chic-Flicks is My Best Friends Wedding. I remember sitting in the Labrum's Suburban ~ yes, one of the few cars I can identify without turning to a Muraski or having Ashley close at hand ~ and arranging for the remake of this film when Julianne ends up with him and vowing with the girls present to make our own "Wishin' and Hopin'" video prior to each wedding. I hate when something I know so well, something that is almost as comforting as Julie singing on the hills of Austria or Ursula summoning Flotsam and Jetsam, is thrown back in my face.

I shared with them the plan that had been presented to me for the proposal, it involved four different locations ~ all ridiculously expensive and lavish. It involved corny poems he had found online ~ we're not talking timeless treasures, we're talking CHEESY. It involved something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. It took every ounce of me to not make vomiting noises as the plan was being described to me, there was no way in (insert appropriate expletive here) that I could hide my emotions as I was sharing with the three men in my life this plan, I had no desire and even if I did I'm an open book. Each of them listened and made the proper disapproving sounds to keep me going on my rant. Finally as I ended and looked at them, waiting for each of them to concur, my favorite looked at me with his knowing eyes and said, "You and that yucky-love stuff," and laughed! How dare he throw Juliann's words back in my face!

So to clear the air once and for all ... I am a romantic, a hopeless romantic in fact but I am not a cheesy dramatic person. I do believe in love at first sight. I do believe that holding hands is one of the most precious things on the planet. I do believe in love notes. I do believe in winks across the room. I do believe in hair kisses, in kisses in general. I do believe in stopping the car to look at the stars. I do believe in dancing in the kitchen or in the bathroom or on the front porch. I do believe in those moments where everything just falls into place and you know. I believe in it all.

HOWEVER, I do not believe it needs to be this elaborate game. Why can't boy like girl and girl like boy simply? You do not need to be showered with flowers or diamonds to know that you are a part of a successful and happy relationship. You do not need to have an elaborate date every Friday night to prove that you are a good man. I suppose perhaps some do, that is their "LOVE LANGUAGE" but that is not mine! No elaborate scheming, no saving for months or years for some fancy ring, no gathering friends together to video tape and clap when yes is spoken ... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Why does it have to be some over-the-top GINORMOUS deal? Isn't that just upstaging what is really happening, two people who love and care for one another committing to being one another's partner through thick and thin, throughout time and eternity? A quiet dinner or as we're walking or just as we're doing what we do and it's the most natural question ~ not something ... Oh, I just could rant about this for hours, they didn't let me though. They tried to call me on my bluff ~ as I have a tendency to be a non-communicating runner in relationships. However, I threw back Juliann's words again, "This is not about longevity (boys), this is about being okay with the yucky-love stuff ... and I am."

Kasi won. As the boys laughed at my retort, adding the fact that communication + the three month bolt factor equals disaster. But for those three months, really two and half as I begin the freak out at the 10 week mark, I love the little things ~ not the-GINORMOUS-over-the-top-let-me-prove-that-I-like-you things. It should be natural not something that you feel you need to prove to the world. Wanting to shout it from the rooftops ~ well, that's a different story ;) Give me a quiet evening at home, each of us with a good book or reading with one another, cuddled up on the couch or in front of the fire and honest conversation. Give me an afternoon on the beach with trashy magazines and stories of high school days. Give me an weekend at Grandma's cabin or even camping. Give me an afternoon in the library where we chose books for one another. Give me a Sunday afternoon ~ dare I even say it?!?! ~ cooking dinner while we discuss important things. Give me a lazy Saturday morning in pajamas watching cartoons like five year-olds. DON'T GIVE ME FLOWERS, they die. DON'T GIVE ME DIAMONDS, I never have been nor will I ever be a girl that likes sparkly things. Give me a card, rip a page out of your moleskin, write it on the back of the receipt. A proposal is, by definition, a huge deal ~ I agree. But I believe, at least for me, it can be special, memorable, romantic, and unique in its simplicity.

The end, I'm getting off of that soap box now.

In other news, friends to laugh with and play at the park with are great. The stories they tell about creepy things ~ not my favorite. Each time I close my eyes I see Jon in a green mask in a mortuary with dead people knocking from under the sheet ...