All I have to do is Choose ...

My memory is horrible, without question.  I'll be one of those mothers whose boys tell me I agreed to something that morning and accept it when I really did not, I'm prepared for this and have some creative methods to be sure this doesn't happen frequently but that's another post for another time though.  So this memory of mine tends to not recall things from my childhood, big things.  But I do remember a few little things.  One being sitting in the van, the big one with the tv hanging from the ceiling, listing to 'Baby', a musical for which my mother still harbors an obsession.

There is a song from this show that has been running through my brain on repeat for the past month or so.  I don't know if it was the year anniversary of the date I set a date, Ace's leaving, Pete's announcement for leaving, Smiling Face running to the alter, or the million (9 actual) sweet little ones born in the last month to close friends but something fell into place... "I wanna be Mother Teresa, Margaret Sanger, Margaret Thatcher, Margaret Mead ... I want it all." Yep, there it is folks.

I was discussing this with Singer the other night.  He started laughing at me, hysterically. "Kas," he said in that tone that means what-I'm-about-to-say-may-hurt-but-you-are-tough!-Put-on-your-big-girl-pants, "time to go after it then, it won't fall into your lap."  I didn't respond, not because I was tearful but because I was pondering but Singer isn't good at the silence unless there is something else occupying his mouth, so he continued.  "You're Kasi French for hells sake!" That made me laugh.  He's right, I am.  And in the last year, although lots of fantastic/necessary/life changing lessons were learned, I let life run me where for the previous 26 years that was not the case.  Last year I was, as Vonnegut said, "in a constant state of stage fright ... because (I) never (knew) what part of (my) life (I was) going to have to act in next."  It was scary, worth it ~ I wouldn't change a minute of 2010, but I'm ready to choose what life is going to bring me and I choose happiness and all that it includes.

I've been blessed with amazing people around me (I don't mean nearest to me necessarily, although I have the best of the best here in the state of UT).  As I sat there the night before Ace's departure, with Pete announcing his departure, I realized that they are moving forward.  I get to too.  As I got the text about the wedding I realized Smiling Face was moving forward.  I get to too.  As I listened to the plans for tour ... well Singer just plays! I get to do that too.  And I get to choose how I want to do it because I'm going to do it all.  And for my Grandpa Bill who has to listen to Grandma Phil ask what that means ... It means everything! Let her chew on that for a few weeks.  

So here's to 2011! It's going to be a big year folks, a really big year.  No need to wait, things are already happening.  I'll keep you posted!