Kooky Sleep

Okay ... a friend of mine and I were discussing the ridiculous things that some people post about. I, as you know, have been given the curse of having an opinion on everything but we both agreed that some opinions are not necessarily for sharing via public blogging. Please understand, that for us single folk, blogging forces us to think outside the box because, let's be honest, we aren't cute little kids who do the darnedest things. HOWEVER, I REFUSE to blog about ridiculous issues that would cause not only you but also myself to wonder just how far off base I truly am! So if you ever find yourself reading a blog and thinking "Kasi/Marcia/Magnum/Kas/ - or whatever else you might call me - why did you post about this? How embarrassing, stupid, or ridiculous!" PLEASE - TELL ME!

On that note, I will blog about my recent awful sleeping habits. Over the past month or so sleep and I have not been great friends - my mind doesn't turn off as quickly as some and I find myself analyzing early into the morning or waking up after only an hour of sleep with a million thoughts to process. But last week I got two whole nights of FABULOUS SLEEP! Neither night was I in my own bed. Which, for me, is rare - I normally don't sleep well at all without Hermie (I was given a stuffed figurine of Hermie years ago, we've become inseparable), an open window and fan (I am my Father's daughter), and my pillow (stolen from Robs house!). But both nights I awoke ... NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ... NOT SEVERAL TIMES ... later than I ever do ... after seven! ... and felt absolutely refreshed and ready to take on the world!

Dang it that when I came back to Hermie, my plush blankets, my window and fan, and pillow ... I HAD A NIGHTMARE! Not joking! I could not even tell you the last time I had a nightmare. I have dreams every so often but never ANYTHING close to what I dreamt on Monday night. I had fallen asleep, it was probably a bit after one by the time that happened. Then my conscience or subconscious or whatever part of my brain that creates nightmares flipped on. It has been off for at least six years as far as I can recall so it had some energy and lost time to make up for. The nightmare ...

I was walking in downtown Salt Lake City, it was late at night. (I don't know why I was in Salt Lake, you would think if that nightmare part of my brain really wanted to freak me out it would have had me walking in some gross part of LA or Atlanta.) I was lost, not shocking. I pulled out my phone and called a friend in California. Why I called a friend in California rather than someone local is beyond me! I was describing to him where I was but I continued to walk as I was describing so he was never really getting an accurate picture. Before too long I found myself on some back road or alleyway of sorts. (Take away all of the lights and this picture is exactly where I was ... basically.) Does Salt Lake even have allies? I began to feel more than my normal anxiousness regarding being lost. It was dark, I was alone, I was in some remote, hidden, scary part of Salt Lake. I was freaked out. My tones became absurdly high, my speech even more rapid. My friend, in his calm way, tried to remind me that I was fine but I was having no such reminder. He continued speaking in his calm, reassuring voice. I listened and was almost to the point of believing him when someone came up from behind me, wrapped one arm around my waist, and pulled my head far to the left while covering my mouth with a handkerchief of sorts. When I tried to scream I inhaled something and ...

I woke up! I was flabbergasted! Who has a nightmare like like at 25 (I know, I'm only 24 but it took me months to say the right age so I figure I'll start early and be wrong on this side of the line this time!)?!? I immediately got out of bed, checked all of the doors to be sure that they were locked - I live in the safest area EVER! - peaked ever-so-sneakily out of my windows to be sure that no one was there, got freaked out by the shadow of a bush, calmed myself down, crawled so quietly back into bed, clung to Hermie, and eventually fell back asleep. I awoke two more times that night to repeat the process.

I haven't had any recurrences of this nightmare, I was fine and am still fine. I just think that it is odd that at 25 I'm having weird nightmares of strange allies and inhaled substances! I also think that not being able to sleep through the night, even with the help of a sleep aid, is odd! Perhaps I'm just going to have to go move north, into a house with three adorable boys, share Hermie, and sleep through the night.

Katabasis of sorts

Last year for Easter I was basking in the warmth of Sunny Southern California with Robs, Cass, E and clan. I remember be woken up by Cass running into my room at a ridiculously early hour and screaming "Kas, your Dad came!" I sat up, rubbed out the all-to-famous eye buggers, and looked at my five-year-old niece with question ~ no voice. "No really, your Dad just came and dropped this off. I have one and mommy." She then handed me a corsage ~ a tradition, Daddy giving all of us girls corsages on both Easter and Mother's day. I was shocked, not that I should have been. For 23 years Dad had somehow managed to get me flowers, whether I was in Logan - Washington - and now California. YAY for surfing-helper-bunnies that help the bi-costal delivery of Holiday corsages! Minus an upset Cass, I don't remember why!, during picture moments the day was fantastic! The Easter Bunny provided and offered all sorts of Easter treats!

This past weekend, sticking with tradition here in the great state of Utah, I did the Chicago clan thing. I can hardly believe how cute these little guys were. Mason dropped his basket full of 'munnies' and 'treats' at least ten times!









But he was a happy camper, "Marcia, look ... look Marcia at all of my treats!" It was so cute! Who needs their own kids when you have three sweet little guys right up the road to provide lots of luv and quality entertainment?
And this is sweet Bennett, who was quite a trooper!, with his Grandpa Pack. Grandpa Pack found out I have








been working for the Obama campaign ... I'll be honest, for a moment I thought that perhaps I would be crying just like Benny. But he was calm and collected, and thanks to Kirst's protection ... we managed to be quite friendly!

Keck of Questions

This past week has been kind of a blur ... but in the midst of it all I did have time to get frustrated ~ shocking, I know! Late yesterday afternoon I found myself surrounded by married folk. Now, please understand, I love my married folk. I find myself at ease in their company, laughing with them at their new adventures and dramas, and perhaps I am even inspired by them to get over the issues I claim as my own. But let's be honest, some friends ~ bless their sweet hearts ~ want so badly for that inspiration to multiply by a million and then WHAM!!, Kas and whoever as Mrs. and Mr. Kasi French ... it's sweet. But after about a half an hour of inquiry regarding the current situation, another fifteen minutes of inquiry regarding my feelings about their 'potential friends', and another fifteen convincing me it would all be for my good in the end ... I WANTED TO SCREAM!

CLARIFICATION: Someday, maybe sooner or perhaps later, I will be okay with the whole idea of tomorrow, next week, next year and the next fifty with someone else at my side who I do not call Dad.

For now ... I would just like you all to realize that I could be this girl ... (courtesy of Amy Cohen, The Late Bloomer's Revolution): It wasn't that I had so much free time; it was just unlike my married friends with children I had very little to show for it. In fact, if I added up all the time I spend setting up the first date, choosing what to wear, meeting for drinks or dinner or coffee or brunch, coming home not sure I was into him, but wanting him to call anyway, getting the call, anticipating the second date, choosing what to wear again, going on the second date, deciding I kind of liked him, going on a third date, deciding I really liked him, going out a few more times, fantasizing about our bike trip to Italy, getting more serious, feeling happy to be alive, wondering if things were getting weird or whether it was just my imagination, obsessing over why things didn't work out, chastising myself for not trusting my instincts in the first place, loosing a week or four to mild then extreme depression, slowly feeling better, vowing to forge ahead and not getting jaded, starting the whole process over again, I could have gotten my MD. Read all of Proust.And written an apera.In German.Twice. Thats what I wanted to say when these women asked me what it was like to have so much free time.

...But I'm not. I have other things going on. So if I don't jump up and down eager to meet your guy-that-is-just-so-perfectly-perfect-for-Kasi, don't be discouraged. I could be the the girl that shows up on your front door step every Saturday morning mourning over the last guy-that-apparently-wasn't-so-perfetly-perfect-for-Kasi. Instead, I'll just make some calls for Barack, continue with writing, watching your kids when you have an emergency young women's activity, and loving you for your patience with this all to fickle friend.

Kava and Brownies

So ... I like to be with my friends when their lives get tough. I like to jump on a plane and go sit in the hospital or cross town in the wee hours of the morning to make a run to the nearest open convenience store for some 'soul food' ~ it makes me feel as if I am helping those that so frequently help this girl that tends to brake.

I hate being far away when friends are having a rough time ... I feel completely helpless. I want to jump on that plane, pick them up, stop in at the house and pick up some of these from the unfaltering kitchen of Robs...

...and then go to a familiar condo, lay on that couch, and ignore the world with them. There is just something about Sports Center, a good episode of 24, or an hour of the Hills, brownies, and our allowed Kava (Diet Coke with Lime) that makes the world right.

However right now, I can't, DANG IT! So this is for you ... I love you and miss you so much! Remember, crying is inevitable but we have friends ~ great, funny, oft times inappropriate, but absolutely the best when it comes to GRRRRRRing at the world ~ so GRRRRRRRRRRRR!! And then remember that cheerful day last spring when we met ... McDaddy ...

Kedge of Life

So a lot has happened in life. Holidays have come and gone. There have been trips to Chicago, Indiana, Nebraska, California, and Washington. There have been primaries for over 35 states. There has been a move. I could go on ...

I was speaking with a good friend one night, about a month or so ago now. We were discussing his life and my life, the ups and downs, the decisions or the lack their of, the happiness to be found, the stumbling blocks to avoid. Half way through the conversation he stopped mid-sentence ~ very unusual! Then he stated, rather bluntly (tact never having been either of our strong suits), something that caught me completely off guard. We spent the next hour or so discussing his 'fact' that I needed to 'face'. Then I fell asleep ...












Over the past month I have contemplated the words of this dear friend but not nearly enough and life has continued to move around me. Most of the time I find myself in a maze of my own to-dos I have created for myself, I feel better about life when I'm running at a million miles an hour. But I'm beginning to understand that running a million miles an hour on a treadmill gets you no where. You are just running, there is no final destination, no great reward as you cross the finish line, in fact there is no finish line. There is nothing to look at along the way to increase the worth of the journey, no strangers to turn into friends as you make your way down the path ... you're just going. Sometimes that's okay, sometimes that all that can be managed but sometimes it's not.

This realization comes often, not because I'm so in tune with what I should be doing but rather because I so quickly forget what I have been reminded of. Sometimes it is in the middle of the night. Sometimes it is during a morning drive. Sometimes it is while I sit in the temple. Sometimes it is when I'm being heckled, in a loving way, regarding my fickleness. But it is a moment ...

At these moments when I realize that perhaps it's not okay I call home. Parents offer perspective and unbridled encouragement. Or an Aunt, a friend, offers a laugh and a reminder that perhaps this process is for my betterment. And when I need to not be the single girl hopping from meeting to meeting I find a night and run north to a house filled with the noise of three little boys. I certainly adore the noise, seriously. But more than that, as I spend time playing trains, drinking homemade smoothies, or cuddling with the cutest baby, I find the reason for the moment of realization, I find perspective. I find that anchor from which I sometimes unhitch myself.

So I'm hoping to hitch this anchor with a better knot right now and get off the treadmill. I can move forward, say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done. As my favorite Bishop Rugy says, "Onward and Upward, Upward and Onward, nothing but success."

Kalon

So often I need to be reminded ...

It's March. Mind you there is still a bit of snow in my drive and ice when I pull into the parking lot at work at 6:45 each morning! However, in spite of my best efforts, Utah's beauty is growing on me ~ I know, you're either wanting to shoot me for falling for the hype or for taking so dang long to appreciate this.
Yesterday as I was driving in I saw the most beautiful sunrise over the Wasatch Mountains (I think that's what they are called, the ones to the east). As I took it in, appreciating that orange that simply ignites the sky as the sun is about to peak over ... I remembered just how simple things can be.

Then, just in case I couldn't remember the reminder of the morning I drove up to the the Bountiful Temple. As I rounded the bend and saw this beautiful edifice I was in awe. So often I find myself wishing to be back in California in my familiar Newport Temple with a certain Dad that somehow showed up just as I needed a reminder of eternal perspective. Or in Chicago with President and Sister Breillatt. Or in Nauvoo with Megs appreciating the quick walk to that Holy House. Or even in Logan, the House on the Hill. I'm too impatient to enjoy the Salt Lake ~ isn't that awful! But last night, in the midst of thoughts and a bit of confusion ... I fell for the Bountiful, in all it's splendor.

I must remember that Utah is not the dryness that gives me and my Chi-Town friend bloody noses and hideously dry skin. It is not the drivers that forget blinkers and other minute courtesies. It is not the grid system. Rather it is the beautiful sunrises over the Mountains that protect. It is the coziness of the crunchy leaves on a fall hike. It is the serenity found during my canyon drives. It is the sun setting over the Great Salt Lake.

I live in a beautiful place.