Perspective

The boys had just gone down for bed. I could hear their tiny feet make the way from one bed to the other and then BOUNCE. I finished getting Baby Q ready for bed, wrapped up like a little burrito, and headed up to play Bedtime Marsha with P&M. With Baby Q in my arms I made my way to the door of the boys' room. Their ears worked well and both managed to be back under the covers by the time I hit the doorway. "Hi Marsha" I hear M say from underneath his race-car blanket. "I love you Marsha" P chimes in with after a minute of quiet. I responded with the same, how much easier is it to say to the 4 year-old!?!?, and looked down at Baby Q, now sleeping. Within a few moments I hear the steady breathe of two sleeping boys. I stay for a few more moments, letting the scene imprint on my mind. For a moment longer I linger, a bit of aching for C&E, but ultimately as I walk back down the stairs with Baby Q still in my arms I smiled. I had walked into that house with days' worth of thoughts and questions. I had distracted myself with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pudding, cuddle time with little B, P&M showing me how Baby Q loved to be tickled, and story time on with Marsha. At that moment however the only thing to distract me was the quiet breathing from Baby Q, not enough. But after all of that so-called distraction I had a moment when the necessary perspective came back. Sitting there with Baby Q, being alone with my thoughts did not lead to anxiety or more questions. I knew the boys above me and the baby in my arms were as simply complex as life ever needed to get. However I end up there, here ... that will come. For that moment I found Perspective.

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The night before we had gone to dinner to appreciate the finer things in life. This particular afternoon we laid low with S. S had fallen head over heals for B earlier this winter during one of his drive-by/fly-by weekends. He listened to her and understood the first time around and could get me to give in without the tantrum or tears she sometimes added. It was no wonder I was sent out of the room to make lunch ~ she's happy with my cooking, bless her heart ~ as she gave the instruction to B to sit down. I listened from the other room as the scene was laid out. They were at school. She was teaching B something from the book, he read on cue and stopped as she had something to remark on. I felt a bit intrusive as I heard the communication back and forth, only a few needed to be repeated to be understood. As it usually does, the scene became to chaotic for S and she began to repeat the first few actions in this particular sequence of school. It was on the second or third time through that I peaked in, plates balanced on either hand, to see her standing there with her hands firm against his cheeks. "No more, no more." I knew to leave B with her until this was resolved, I stood quietly in the corner where neither noticed.

Without pulling his face out of her little hands he responded, "Then what do we do now?" The question was heard and heavily contemplated by the recipient. Without a response she turned to the table across the room where the family had gathered previously that day to read. She pulled across the table and into her arms the scriptures and made her way back to B with a serene look on her face. "Bout Jesus, bout Jesus." B took the book from her and opened to a story that had been discussed between he and I on our drive over and began to explain it to S. She sat and listened as he explained how the children came to Him. As I watched S's eyes watch B and her sweet face soften to his sweet tone I found myself quietly retreating back into the kitchen, hearing the words as if for the first time myself.

Putting the plates down I began to let my mind and heart wander the events of the past few months. Questions that I had, thoughts that had hindered my sleep, emotions that got caught up in my denial ... everything fell into place. There was a peace that superseded it all. I found Perspective in the chaos I had created.

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Some unknown artist was playing through the speakers a bit too loud in my ears but offered the perfect excuse to not participate in conversation as my thoughts were clearly elsewhere. My mind wandered from one end result to the next as I changed my decision like a reader in 'Choose Your Own Adventure.' The conversation began again but I stayed focus on my Adventure, I did not know much of what was being spoken of. I tried to distract myself with outside elements but the mountains were dark and offered no redirection of my thoughts. As we parked at the top of the hill and I found myself wrapping my arms around myself to fend off the cool night air he said something causing me to look up, as is the case when most speak to me. I did not stop at his face however, I nodded in agreement and made some smart remark and continued to look up. The sky was far from perfectly clear but above me that evening, to the Northeast, was a star shining between a few clouds. I put my glasses on to see more clearly and the one actually turned out to be a handful of stars in the tiny gap between the dark and heavy clouds ... as we drove home that night I thought of those stars, or what I thought was merely a star, and the simplicity of that beauty. The clouds were surrounding and the mountains cut the view to any other clear spots up there but those few stars offered the moment of peace ... no need to see the whole thing, this view offered enough to give me the Perspective of hope and brightness to not only take a nap in the car but to sleep through the night.

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Perspective is highly underrated in my opinion. The minute you have it hold on to it ... it disappears in an instance.