Kaneh High ... Roughly

Yesterday as I drove home I became overwhelmed with the need to have a Christmas tree in my house. I pondered for a minute ... how does one acquire a Christmas Tree in UT? I had asked a few friends during the month of November and was shocked and the environmental red-tape that went up simply to get a pretty green Fur Tree in my house, permits from A required to get the permits from B which is required to get the final permit from C. I was discouraged and so I forgot about it until yesterday afternoon. Then I was on a mission ...

I called any human I know that might know where to get a tree here. After about a half and hour of phone calls ~ full of laughter and gee at remembering Pauly and the Gunnison crew illigally getting our tree my Junior year with a michette (not sure on the spelling on that one) ~ I put down the back seat in Baby Bleu, put an old blanket down as to not get needles everywhere!, and set out to find him ...

... I love him and I don't throw that word around lightly folks! But even without ornements, he makes the cottage my favorite place to be right now. Last night, after the hour and a half lighting him, I sat down with a home-made milk steamer and read the Red Ranger Came Calling (another fabulous Junior Year moment!) and then just simply enjoyed the lit tree until I fell asleep, it was perfection!

Kindle

All I want for Christmas …

The whole office ended up at my desk to listen to the sales pitch. One would think that an office full of salesmen would be a bit skeptical regarding other ‘tech’ sales … but no! This is brilliant!!

With the snow falling outside, the milk heating on the stove, and Mount’s Christmas Music in the background … Goodness, a Kindle would simply complete that lovely holiday evening!

Knight - In - Shining - Whatever

I believe the last movie I sent out high recommendations for was “The Notebook.” I very clearly remember the reaction from friends. One response was as equally as ecstatic as my own. One reprimanded me for recommending said movie because of some skin that was shown. The reprimand sounded louder than the excitement and I decided that perhaps I am more numb to ‘inappropriate’ things than perhaps I should be and I decided to keep my recommendations to myself. I did not recommend “Love Actually” to anyone but Emily … who still needs to see this life altering or rather life confirming film! I did not recommend “Because I Said So” or the “Family Stone”, even though you find mirror images of my own existence in these Blockbuster Favorites. But I must break my silence …

ENCHANTED … a must see. I sat in the Theatre with high expectations and all were met. The company in which I found myself was incline to compare life to the reality/fantasy that my favorite Patrick Dempsey lived out with talented Amy Adams. I wanted to scream “Stop comparing my life to fictional characters created in the world of McDreams!” But even in the light of rough comparisons and critical analysis of my emotional issues … this movie is fantastic!! I love it … so much that we had to drive to get the Soundtrack on the way home and have listened to nothing but since. Once I figure out how to get music to play on this blog I will give the gift of this song … my new favorite!


So Close
You’re in my arms and all the world is gone
The music playing on for only two
So close together

And when I’m with you so close to feeling alive

A life goes by romantic dreams must die
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now, forever, I know
All that I want is to hold you so close

So close to reaching that famous Happy End
Almost believing this one’s not pretend
Now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far … we are … so close

Oh, how could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?

We’re so close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this one’s not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming though we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far …


GO SEE ENCHANTED! If you want company ... I'll go again!

Kozy Cottage

Many have enquired after my current residence. And now ~ here you are! The kitchen is exactly what you see ... the bathroom, well, the toilet is behind the door ... look how cozy my room is! This is where I live! COME VISIT!!

Katzenjammer in My Mind

I often find that I have this uprising within me to go back to the most comfortable, most known, way of life.

I remember specifically my Freshman year of college. Here I was, the girl on the outside of five fun friends from Farmington. Here I was, the girl on the outside of the Utah way. I had just left a summer of comfort at the theatre, great relationships, lunches at the lake, and fun with family. Being at Utah State was the last place I wanted to be but I knew I needed to go to college, I knew I had registered there, so I was that girl. The first night, as we all remember I’m sure, was tears, tears, and more tears. But the Farmington girls adjusted quicker than I did, shocking!, and I continued to have this internal fight, a part of me ready to pack-up my stuff and head back east and another part of me knowing that this was a necessary phase of life.

Dave, Steve, Andre, Brit and Joe, Chris, and Mike ~ I’m sure are still receiving blessings from having to deal with Marcia on a daily basis ~ each reassuring me that I would find happiness and a place where I belonged. There was one particular night when something had or hadn’t occurred, that detail I do not remember. I do remember calling Dave in tears, not completely surprising, and having him come and rescue me. We sat in his apartment with roommates coming in and out talking about home and life back there. Then he said something that got to me, something that still resonates. “Mar, this is a part of life. This is a part of becoming a grownup. This is what makes you all grownup. Sure you can cry. You can even hate it. Go ahead but understand that it's going to come.” Then his friend Dan, the best Neil Diamond impersonator I’ve ever known, broke out into 'Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon' ~ sometimes I create the theatrics but often it just lands in my lap! ~ and I was done with the spasing about being in Utah. I was okay. And I was okay for three years.

So this Utah new phase of life, it’s going to be okay. I was reminded by a dear friend last night of the exact lesson Dave gave me six years ago. Sure it will be hard but it will be okay. So the month long uprising within me … it’s settled. I understand that this is where I am, this is where I get to be. So I’ll knock on doors for Barack. I’ll go help with the tree planting. I’ll rake my leaves. I’ll get my car fixed. I’ll have an open mind regarding my Friday nights. I’ll drive up to see the snow. I’ll do the pretty lights on Temple Square. I’ll smile and be a grown-up. I’m smiling, I’m grown-up.

Kamerad to the Goodbye

I don’t hate many things. Growing up that word was not allowed in my house. We could dislike things, we could be frustrated with someone, we could be anger at a situation … but hate was not an option in the French household. We all learned quickly that it was easier to ‘find our words’ than to get a week of ‘kitchen’ because we hated something or someone. Now at 24 however, I feel that I have the ability to use the word to describe the few things in life that I truly do loathe.

I hate ending things that you don’t think will ever truly end. Most things end in a fabulous way and I’m just fine with that. We have the football season end with the Super Bowl ~ a Holy Day for all pigskin fans. We have the work day ending with a great song on the radio. We have the Holiday Season ending with a bash as we ring in the New Year. We have education ending with a solemn and joyous commencement ceremony. We have symphonies ending with cymbals. We have musicals ending with great closing numbers. Summer ends with that last barbeque on the beach or the last ride on the boat. These are fine and expected endings.

The endings that you never think will come are the hardest, the ones I am allowed to dislike. The endings that occur because of my own decisions are the ones that I hate. Saying goodbye to someone that played such an enormous role in your process of becoming … Saying goodbye to someone that reminded you of the person you one day may become … Saying goodbye to someone that pushed you to fulfill your dreams, even if they were uncertain of what they were … Saying goodbye to someone that let you cry on that strong shoulder … Saying goodbye to someone that has been there for the good and the bad … Saying goodbye, I hate it.

It is inevitable, this goodbye. It is inevitable that hurt will accompany said goodbye … hurt that gives meaning to every cliché country song and lovers ballad … hurt that wakes you up in the middle of the night with a wet pillow … hurt that spills over at the most inopportune times … hurt that reminds you that you are alive and that you’ve lost something important. The importance never goes away however, the memories are imbedded deep inside so to be always accessible. At first they are called upon to ease the hurt of saying goodbye, at first you wonder if the hurt is worth it, if the goodbye was truly necessary, as you remember the good (the bad is always quickly forgotten). It becomes complicated in your mind and you question your action. But it is not complicated and does not need daily reassessment.

As the simplicity is confirmed, strength is found, and resolutions are kept the memories don’t ease the hurt because there no longer is hurt … you sleep through the night … The memories are rather a random reminder that someone a long time ago cared deeply and loved enough to let you go. When that happens I don’t hate the saying goodbye any longer, I love the memory. So until that day …

Kalology, In Other words the Study of Cassidy Layne

Look at this cake ... I've learned that presentation is everything! And to boot, I hear that is tasted absolutley fantastic!

Look how long her hair is! Look how beautiful this little one is! Happy Birthday Cass ... I miss you to the moon!!!

Kute Kiddos!

Look how adorable Cass and Eli are! We were at Disney Land back in September and Cass saw this costume ... it was done! She hadn't even seen the movie! But she was so excited to try it on for Grandma and looked forward to the day when she could take the Cheshire Cat down from the top of her closet and put on the Alice costume! Eli, E, Cowboy ... this is quite the outfit for him. And after some searching online Robs found one in his size. We came home from school one day and it was there. I don't think I had ever seen him so anxious to get the dogs fed and walked(his after school chore)! Flash, it was done! He was so excited to get it on. "Kas, look. I'm a driver of Lightening McQueen. I can go fast or slow. I can tell them how to go, look I have a talk to Lightenin' talker!" That was a good day!

Kainotophobia

Kainotophobia ... many suffer from it and I am not an exception. Growing up I was a happy girl. I lived in the same house for 15 years. I went into Lake Forest High School with the same friends that I went into Mrs. Harris' kindergarten class with. I shared a tent at girls camp with the same girls that came to my house for Joy School. I got all gussied up for dances to spend time with the same guys that chased me around the back yard when I was three. Change only occured in other people's lives. I was the postergirl for stability.

Then ... the Indiana move. Oh boy, was I a witch to those Hoosiers.

Then ... the Utah State transition. I continually apologize to the poor girls that had to live with me during that phase of change and thank 'the guys' for their unfaltering support and love of Marsha.

Then ... the mission. Unlike earlier, I was very aware of the constant change that would take place during this eighteen month stretch of my life. Surprisingly enough, I managed to keep things somewhat consistent, as much as I possibly could have.

Then ... California. Again a surprising time in life. I took a few famous, "Kas Hiatus", days but for the most part this transition was quick and easy. The change to sunny days at the beach, funny nights with the kids, and priceless moments was quick and easy.

Now ... Utah. I've been here for a month. My room is unpacked. My mail is being forwarded. My records are now in the Hillside Ward. I am a registered voter in Salt Lake City. It's been a little rough (some of you perhaps are thinking, "little? Kas you have been a constant stream of tears for the past month!"). But things are fitting into place. I often find myself wondering, why Utah? Why now? I was loving California. But I am beginning to understand that it is this growth, the hard change, that makes me look inside and see exactly who I am and what I can handle. I am standing on my own. I'm fighting for who I want to be ~ sure, this includes the daily battles for Barack or the weekly debates regarding my single life ~ but I am okay with that.

Carlyle reminds me, "The first duty of man is to conquer fear; he must get rid of it, he cannot act till then." So ...

Hi, I'm Kasi and I have Kainotophobia ~ first step, DONE!