Kamerad to the Goodbye

I don’t hate many things. Growing up that word was not allowed in my house. We could dislike things, we could be frustrated with someone, we could be anger at a situation … but hate was not an option in the French household. We all learned quickly that it was easier to ‘find our words’ than to get a week of ‘kitchen’ because we hated something or someone. Now at 24 however, I feel that I have the ability to use the word to describe the few things in life that I truly do loathe.

I hate ending things that you don’t think will ever truly end. Most things end in a fabulous way and I’m just fine with that. We have the football season end with the Super Bowl ~ a Holy Day for all pigskin fans. We have the work day ending with a great song on the radio. We have the Holiday Season ending with a bash as we ring in the New Year. We have education ending with a solemn and joyous commencement ceremony. We have symphonies ending with cymbals. We have musicals ending with great closing numbers. Summer ends with that last barbeque on the beach or the last ride on the boat. These are fine and expected endings.

The endings that you never think will come are the hardest, the ones I am allowed to dislike. The endings that occur because of my own decisions are the ones that I hate. Saying goodbye to someone that played such an enormous role in your process of becoming … Saying goodbye to someone that reminded you of the person you one day may become … Saying goodbye to someone that pushed you to fulfill your dreams, even if they were uncertain of what they were … Saying goodbye to someone that let you cry on that strong shoulder … Saying goodbye to someone that has been there for the good and the bad … Saying goodbye, I hate it.

It is inevitable, this goodbye. It is inevitable that hurt will accompany said goodbye … hurt that gives meaning to every cliché country song and lovers ballad … hurt that wakes you up in the middle of the night with a wet pillow … hurt that spills over at the most inopportune times … hurt that reminds you that you are alive and that you’ve lost something important. The importance never goes away however, the memories are imbedded deep inside so to be always accessible. At first they are called upon to ease the hurt of saying goodbye, at first you wonder if the hurt is worth it, if the goodbye was truly necessary, as you remember the good (the bad is always quickly forgotten). It becomes complicated in your mind and you question your action. But it is not complicated and does not need daily reassessment.

As the simplicity is confirmed, strength is found, and resolutions are kept the memories don’t ease the hurt because there no longer is hurt … you sleep through the night … The memories are rather a random reminder that someone a long time ago cared deeply and loved enough to let you go. When that happens I don’t hate the saying goodbye any longer, I love the memory. So until that day …