Okay

This past week has been an interesting time for me. Clearly there was a moment on Wednesday that threw me for a bit of a loop. But before that, during that, after that, as I would turn on CNN or skim through an email sent from a friend involved in the happenings over the pond or open the paper to see the latest report on the Summit ... well, I began to wonder all over again what I was doing with my life.

I had a few conversations with others about life and the decisions we make. I opened up past notes I jotted down on sacrament bulletins when thoughts would come to me. I opened up the scriptures to some of my favorite passages. I found letters I had written while I was on my mission, so driven and so planned. I savored words from my Father, through my Father, as I had written them down after hands were removed from my head. I found a card that had been sent a month or so ago full of loving words to inspire and motivate. And yet, even with all of that, I still felt that I was missing the action and felt sorry for myself.

Last night I made it to the Nook and had a moment to myself. The night had been much like the week, busy and full of hints toward a future without me truly understanding what that future is. I sat on my bed for a long time, staring at a picture frame I have yet to fill and feeling that emptiness reflected within me.

I was stunned out of my 'pity-me' moment by a call from a friend I haven't heard from in a bit. Stunned is a bit of an understatement. I did not pick of the phone for fear of the conversation that might follow, I'm a bit of an inadequate communicator and a worse liar ~ I'm certain he would hear everything I was feeling in my "Hello". The message was quick, "I'm here. I have tickets for tomorrow afternoon, good ones (he laughed - I've missed that laugh). Give me a call and I'll pick you up Kas." I replayed it several times. The last time we talked indicated that this would not be normal behavior. I sent a text, my least favorite way of communication, "See you at 1:15 at the Nook."

I distracted myself into a few hours of sleep after scanning each page at www.recovery.gov and watching The Sound of Music, plus all of the 20th Anniversary footage.

I awoke quickly, I was tempted to call my bail-out buddy in CA and tell him, that in spite of the miles between us lately I needed him here to save me, but instead I made my way over to the theatre for four hours of Pirate Play. There's something to be said about the relief of watching a production come together. Perhaps it is that for the first 20 years of my life my Saturdays and summers were spent worshipping at the alter of the stage. Perhaps it is that for a few brief moments all of the control is accounted for, no unseen Hand is in charge of which way a scene is blocked or which word would become the frate word in the delivery of a line. Perhaps it is that as I sit there on book my mind wanders to the days when my biggest worry was whether or not Cory would let me walk barefoot on stage or if the ads would come in for the program. Perhaps it is that as I hear the call for props or John indicate a set change I like to close my eyes and see the chandelier I begged Adam to make and the staircase Dave eventually provided adorning the stage full of the youth we loved to work with. Those four hours passed too quickly.

I hesitated to leave but left. On my way to the Nook my favorite AM station was revisiting the Summit. I tried not to pay attention but all of the sudden I remembered everything that had been going through my mind for the past little bit and the feelings of discouragement and wandering took back there prominent place at the forefront of my heart and mind. I had no time to clear the thoughts before I saw him opening my door, "You okay?"

"Of course," I plopped a kiss on his cheek and quickly made it to his car.

As we sat in the ginormous Conference Center very few words were shared. I opened up my scriptures and devoured the distraction. As the choir began to sing I closed my scriptures, closed my eyes, and relaxed for the first time in quite a while. I felt his arm come around me and that was the key that unlocked the tears built up. "Kas," he whispered into my ear.

After two hours of inspiring words and intermittent tears next to a friend I came to a conclusion and received the peace that I wish I could remember and hold on to for the rest of time for it seems the trials of life are all resolved with said conclusion.

We walked out of the Conference Center and to the car in silence. I took a deep breath as I sat in the car waiting for him to make it to his door knowing he would ask. He did not, likely for fear I wouldn't answer as that seemed to be our largest problem. As we made our way back to the Nook I asked him to just drive, our favorite pastime. I'll share with you what I shared with him ...

I like to be in control. I like to know what my tomorrow is going to bring and have it written down in my Moleskin planner. I like to know that at the end of each daily event or task I will open up that planner and put a perfect little check mark beside it. I like to know that I am being productive with my life and giving all that I can to each thing that I am involved in. I like to know that my family is well, happy, and also being productive in life. I like to know that my friends are soaring, surfing, skiing, loving, laughing and dancing through life with hope and excitement for what is to come. I like to know that on Tuesday I will do my laundry. I like to know that on Thursday I will take Syd to the library and she will talk too loudly. I like to know that I have to prepare for 24 April, knowing ahead of time that I'll need a few extra minutes in Ecclesiastics and some time on the hill in Utah Valley. I like to know that on Friday I'll get a text from Dad at about 7:45 wishing me a Happy Friday. I like to know that that same afternoon I'll hear my Grandfather tell me I'm his favorite and talk to Grams about the same subject we've been discussing for the past six years. I like to know that I'll need to get gas on Wednesday afternoon. I like to know that the first week of June I'll have a moment of remorse as I remember Reeve and Charlie begging me to come back and do the show. I like to know things.

So when I don't know things ... when I thought I had a decision made and I get ready to pack up and jaunt half way across the country and then I feel that decision is not the correct one and I have to stay ... when I decide to try to make things work and then am told that its not worth it because my heart will never be there ... when I want things one way and it is made clear to me that my way truly is not the High Way ... I have to have a moment.

But after that moment I find a moment of relief, of peace. I know that there is a God above watching over me, leading me to where I need to be. I know that my Savior is here, already having felt my anxiety toward the unknown, my fears for the future, my frustration with my inadequacies. I know that this peace is a only a piece of what They offer to me but that I get stubborn and selfish and forget to ask. I get stuck. So sitting in that Conference Center, with thousands of other people, I was blessed with the understanding that those words were for me. I'm where I need to be, where I should be ... the larger picture will be completed each day, one piece at a time.

...

In other news, we now have a Spanish TV station, this is the picture taken of Denny, Uncle Max, and Marcos ... on the front page of the business section in the paper! IndyVision, in cooperation with MountVista Corp., launches Tuesday. Mom, Dad, Uncle Joe, and Uncle Matt are missing from the picture in the new studios right downtown ... I suppose they could have just used a family picture. I could not be prouder of my parents and pseudo parents for following their dreams these past few months.