Alright … so we’re going to do this in parts because bless all of your hearts – this is just too long of a story to be put into one massive memoir. So today I’ll do Saturday and Sunday, the two days I don’t actually remember all too well but have spent time over the past two days discussing with relevant parties what did actually occur.
Saturday, 29 March, I was down in the Provo/Lehi area visiting with some friends. It was a fun afternoon filled with Bridal shows, surf talk, and catching up on old times. As I was heading back north I decided to stop in on my old mission companion, Amberly Felix – henceforth known as Felix. As I drove to her house I passed a herd of horses and thought in my mind, as Tim McGraw was singing in the background, wouldn’t it be fun to ride one of those things.
Well, Felix agreed that it would be quite entertaining for her to watch me on her horse that she had just acquired, Buddy. Her ‘special friend’ Dane and I got me up on the horse and we were doing just fine, Felix taking pictures to document said event. After a few minutes of meandering the pasture I asked Dane how long people rode prior to running, like in the film Run Away Bride. Now I was expecting him to say a length of time, a month, two months, twenty lessons or so. But he looked up at me and said, once they are confident French. From across the pasture Felix started laughing and encouraged us to begin galloping or trotting or whatever the proper horse terminology is to describe the horse moving at a fast pace. DO NOT OFFER ME A CHALLENGE – I WILL ACCEPT WITHOUT THOUGHT! I have the long curly hair of Julia, I could ride a horse in a big white dress, I would run, I would be graceful ! We started going fast …
… the next thing I knew I was on my back next to a pile of horse (insert your frequently used word for what Grandma Phyllis would refer to as large bowel movements). I was laughing, Felix was laughing, Dane was making sure the horse didn’t step on me. I was in some pain. I got up, I was in some more pain. I took fifteen minutes to walk to a car that was all of sixty yards away. I bit my tongue, not allowing any not so great words to fly out of my mouth.
We went to the hospital.
Upon arrival at the hospital I had to use the restroom, however, walking had become something that caused me to shed tears and face a pain that my kidney stones pain pails in comparison to. We did make it to the restroom and Felix, bless her sweet heart, offered to go in with me. I was against that idea (this was the first big to-do I created about my pride and how I needed to keep it intact). I spent what I can only imagine was close to ten minutes in the restroom doing what one does in the restroom only to come to the grand end and be unable to grab the warm-up pants I had thrown on from the floor. My mind began to race, how could I do this? I leaned one way and found a great pain, leaned the other and found an even greater. I bent forward only to shoot back up at lighting speed which hurt like the dickens (where did this phrase come from by the way?). After another few minutes trying every which way with every fiber of my being my first slash in the Pride of Kas was made, I called Felix in. And she laughed, I cried not only because of the pain but also because of the rather embarrassing situation I found myself in.
The rest of this post is what has been put together from present parties and what my drugged up mind does actually remember.
We had been waiting for what to me seemed to be an eternity, likely fifteen minutes. I was standing against the wall, sitting was too painful. Standing however seemed to not be the best position after a few minutes because all of the sudden I was green and about to pass out. Felix and Dane sat me down, I began to shake and Dane made his way directly to the nurses sitting behind the glass enclosure with the clipboards that offered an unknown amount of time between me and the meds behind them. Dane used language that is used by the men that drive our Century trucks across the country and the next thing I knew I was in a wheel chair behind the glass enclosure.
The nurse, name unknown, began to take my vitals. While she was doing this I became a bit undone. All of the sudden I realized I was in a hospital, my vitals were being taken, I was in unbearable pain, and my parents were thousands of miles away. I began to breath at a rapid pace and the next thing I knew my body was frozen, literally. My hands were crossed in front of me and I could not uncross them. My back/bum was hurting in an awful bad way but I couldn’t get myself to move in the chair so that I was comfortable because I couldn’t get my legs to move. This caused me to become a bit more undone, hysterical some dramatic people might say. At this point I lost the ability to speak. I have come to find out that I was hyperventilating and my muscles were without the oxygen necessary to function. If I had remained calm my problem would have simply been the ache in my back from falling off of Buddy.
I got into a room, they put an IV in me (bless that nurse’s heart because these vains are far from hospitable to any type of needle!), placed an oxygen mask on my face that they didn’t turn on so that I would breath in my own carbon whatever and calm down (a high tech version of a paper bag I suppose), and left me to calm down. Felix and Dane were on either side of me speaking words in hushed, calming tones so that I would start to relax. In walked Jason or Justin, henceforth known as Jason because I like that name better, the hot nurse! I wish that I could remember what he looks like because everyone that came to visit me at the hospital says that I spoke so highly of this amazing angel in scrubs but alas those dang drugs that he gave me have caused all memory to have vanished regarding his handsome features. Jason and I became fast friends, he attached the morphine bag to my IV.
The next thing Jason told me was that Nurse Betty, not really her name but I don’t remember that either, was coming to get me for Xrays. At this point I had calmed down and Felix and Dane were out getting phones and making calls back to Felix’s family. Nurse Betty took me into the Xray room and began moving me onto the Xray bed. PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN! I began to hyperventilate again and freeze, which actually was quite helpful for the Xrays. She turned me every which way to get the necessary pictures and by the end of what again seemed like an eternity of pain she pulled me back onto the warm mattress. In walks hot Jason! He asks me if I’m in pain, I sarcastically reply with tears in my tears that ‘No, these were tears of joy to be seeing him again.’ He at that point upped my morphine dose.
I got back into my ER room, still hyperventilating but before too long my body relaxed and the morphine began to make me funny. I confessed love for Jason, told Felix not to call my parents, confessed more undying love for Jason and fell asleep.
At some point, I’m not certain when, I began to ask for my friend Matt Dickamore. Matt and I have known each other since the good ol’ days of MexiCasa and Sunburst (USU 2001). Apparently, in crisis, I trust Matt and know that he will not call my parents in the middle of the night to worry them about an overly-dramatic-daughter who has no pain tolerance. Felix began the hunt for Matt Dickamore.
The next thing that I remember - apparently there was more confessing to Jason, Dane being ultra-incredible and comforting, Felix frantically trying to get a hold of Matt, some friendly flirting with Jason, me freaking out and bawling to Matt on the phone, and some begging of more morphine from Jason in here somewhere – I was being moved to the maternity ward, the only place where a bed was available. It was probably close to 2 am at this point. Matt had arrived. I was leaving the Hot Nurse! Dang it!
The night was a blur … what was left of it. I remember at one point opening up my eyes to see Felix, Dane, and Matt standing at the end of my bed talking in those hushed tones. My mind fled from that place quickly and began thinking of Cass and Eli, Dad and Mom, Bunk and Em, Mac and Sam, Adam, Robs, and everyone that was thousands of miles away and then, in a way that I think only a chosen few of us can, I jumped to the dramatic conclusion that I would never see any of these people again. I was going to die in the maternity ward, not giving birth, but with a broken back and a broken heart because I was far from my family. I began to hyperventilate again, this time all three came to my side. I eventually calmed down.
Another fuzzy memory was me anxious and unable to sleep. I have no idea what time it was but I think that perhaps it was after Felix and Dane had left to sleep for two hours before they had to speak in Church and Matt had taken over Kasi Watch 2008. I don’t know if I asked or if he just remembered that country music was my favorite but I think that perhaps he sang the song from Civil War, the only country song he knows I’m certain, and ran a green latex glove up and down my arms and over my face … The country song was soothing, the latex glove relaxing … I fell asleep. And apparently Matt did too
(All pictures but this one courtesy of Matt, he had discovered camera and kept himself entertained! This picture courtesy of the drugged up yours truly. I could have sworn they rolled in a cot for Matt to sleep on but maybe this was it ... sorry about that Matt!)
The next morning, the sun was up but I have no idea what hour it was, I finally consented to calling my parents. The next part is a blur. I talked, Matt talked, the nurses talked. Then I got on the phone with my mom and she asked if I consented to have Matt be (insert appropriate legal jargon here for the person who is allowed to know things when I’m looped out on meds and make decisions). I was rather looped out at this point and time and I responded with “Why Matt, why not Uncle Max?” Apparently, although my love for my Uncles is equal, in moments of legal jargon and drugs I choose Uncle Max. My mother laughed, which did not make me happy (a slash in Kasi Pride, as if being in hospital was reason to laugh at a girl!), and then asked me if Uncle Matt was there. I told her he was not. Then she asked if Matt Dickamore was there, I looked up and low and behold there he was. I responded that he was there. Then Mom asked if it was okay if he was that “person”. Okay. Then the nurse asked me, okay. Then they doped me up to high heaven.
Shortly after the medicine kicked an couple missionary set came into the room. Here in UT - and I'm certain when requested in other parts of the country and world - a couple is assigned to come and administer the sacrament each Sunday to those that desire such. It was after this was done that the sweet couple asked if I had been given a blessing, in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we believe that the power of God to administer to the sick and afflicted is on the earth as it was in the time of Jesus and his apostles. The elderly brother and Matt, both members of the Church who hold said power, then gave me a blessing. I was told to be patient and to accept the things which would come. I am so grateful to a Father in Heaven who hears the quiet pleads of His children and responds so readily through His worthy servants. I remember being younger and making frequent trips to the hospital for ear infections and having my Dad lay his hands on my head. I don't remember the words spoken but I do remember the calmness that overcame my young anxious body. I know that this particular morning that calmness spread across the country to my family. I am so grateful to a Father that is aware of the ache and pain of His children and responds with love and understanding. I am so grateful to a Father who trusts His Sons with the opportunity to be the mouthpiece so that this gift can be offered. Patience and acceptance ... a blessing I so desperately needed. And I am grateful to the Sons that so readily share this gift with those who stand in need. It was not a blessing that I remembered that day, in fact it was not until I spoke with Mom on Friday that she shared with me ~ and I retained ~ the words of that blessing. But now that my mind is clear I am able to see the Hand of the Lord and feel His assurance and love as I heed the counsel given that day.
Matt called Ashley Stolworthy, another USU friend. She was down with pajAmas (please pronounce as I would!), and other necessities, however, I was incredibly concerned about my hair … vanity apparently increases on morphine. I needed a comb to braid it.
(Obvious hair issues!)
She returned, blessed woman, with a comb and two hair ties. She offered to braid my hair but I was confident I could do it on my own. I began to sit up and found pain in any position I attempted. Both Ash and Matt gave me the eye, Ash again offered to braid, Matt encouraged that, I declined. I finally found a position I could sit in and began braiding. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the braiding of hair, you have to bend your arms as you do said action. As I bent my arms all sorts of beeps and buzzing would occur as I was cutting off my IV and messing with the thing on my finger that had a very noisy machine attached to it. Ash offered again, Matt insisted that she finish the job, and with each comment either of them made my pride grew. I am 24, almost 25, I have a grown-up job, I drive a grown-up car, I make grown-up decisions, I CAN BRAID MY OWN HAIR! To both of their chagrin, I finished the task – no slashes in Kasi Pride. And might I add that the braids looked fantastic!
Apparently my new nurse, who I loved but can’t remember to save my life, Janis, was fantastic. She spoke Spanish and I was quick to tell her that I too spoke the blessed language. We spoke Spanish. I know, some of you are thinking … not true, she’s lying. But I promise that my Spanish improved on high doses of pain killers and I spoke brilliant Spanish!
I slept some.
Matt and Ashley continued to make the necessary phone calls. My family, having gathered all together at this point (Parents, Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, and Downs!) were calling frequently to hear the latest update on the back broken daughter. At this point the doctor, Dr. Faux – whom we had yet to meet but frequently spoke with Janis on the phone – had verified that the something off of L1 and L2 had indeed been fractured, a painful ordeal. Bless Matt and Ashers for dealing with the family … you think I’m dramatic?!?
I slept some more. Each time I awoke I would panic, forgetting why I was in the hospital and beginning to sit up and move only to have the pain in my back remind me that something had happened. Poor friends, Felix would just tell me what happened over and over again. Matt however, who I think had the longer stay in the hospital with me, began to get creative, especially in that maternity ward. I think that last time I asked he responded with something along the lines of “Well, you’ve had six kids and you’re recovering from a rather intense surgery. Babies are doing fine. But Kasi, who is the Father?”
As the day moved on visitors came. Steven Downs, after being tracked down, showed up to send word from a ‘family member’ back to the family. Not that the family didn’t appreciate Matt and Ashley, at this point I’m certain my mother would have given me up for Matt because of his kindness and patience with her and the rest of the Indiana Clan. But I think the ‘second witness’ thing was coming into play. I don’t remember anything of Steven’s visit. The Highlights that have been shared with me: Steven and Matt named my catheter, Carl (which, of course, was a huge pride issue for me! I was numb and couldn’t feel the bed pan, was in too much! Janis told me a catheter was a good thing but I freaked out. I could get up an walk … PRIDE PRIDE PRIDE but ultimately humility overcame and the catheter came.), people fell in love with Steven, I slept, I got cold, Steven suggested that I not get the catheter and warm myself up naturally, Matt agreed, another slash to Kasi Pride, Ashley assured me I was getting the catheter.
Then I do have a memory. I was frustrated. I was tired. I was trying to sleep, sleep is essential when you are trying to get out of the hospital. Ashley was on my right, Matt on my left. They would not let me sleep. I was so tired. I closed my eyes and the next thing I knew Ashley was pinching my cheek, “Kas, wake up.” I would and I would announce that I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. Then she would explain that I wasn’t breathing while I was sleeping. Whatever. I would close my eyes and fall back asleep. Then I would hear Matt screaming, or what to me was screaming, and open my eyes. There he was inches away from my face waking me up, “Kasi.” “What?” “Stay awake.” “No, Matt I’m tired, I just want to go to sleep, leave me alone.” “You can go to sleep but you have to breath.” Whatever. I would close my eyes and fall back asleep.
Then I felt something crawling up my arm and I opened my eyes again, this time to announce that Matt needed to kill the spider that was on my arm. No spider, the green latex glove was back. I made a face, closed my eyes and heard Ash tell Matt that I was not a fan. Matt protested and continued convinced that I loved it the night before and that I was breathing and doing fine with it now. I just wanted to sleep.
Shelley Kohl came, bless her heart. I slept. Ashley called my friends, bless her heart. Felix and Dane returned, bless their hearts. Matt kept talking to the family, bless his heart.
THEN DOCTOR FAUX came. I was being moved out of the maternity ward. I was in a new room. I don’t remember much about this part of the day. Dr. Faux told me I was staying another night. I hated that. I asked what I had to do to get out of the hospital. He told me, in front of Ashley and Matt – Kasi Pride completely gone at this point and time so nothing left to slash – that I had to pee on my own, eat solid foods on my own, and take oral meds. I told him fine. I do remember with clarity looking over to Matt and Ashers at this point and both of them giving me the look of ‘NO NO NO’, I failed to heed their wise counsel. I’m certain that both of them knew once I heard I could get out of the hospital that I loathed so much – inspite of my love for Jason and adoration for Nurse Janis – I would get out. My family was concerned but knew that I was bound and determined. Kas had been given a challenge, to get out of the hospital, she was taking it. MY PRIDE CAME BACK SUPERSIZED! I asked for the catheter to be taken out. Done. I asked for food. Done. I went to the bathroom. Done. Ashers took me home! Broken back – ha! I was drugged up and sleeping in my bed on Sunday night, 24 hours after falling off of Buddy.
Seriously, if they would simply let it roll for another second or two I would not have to waste the ¾ of the second towel to dry my hands. I like trees!
half an hour long when all you need is a stamp? Seriously, you wait until after lunch time so as to not hit the ‘rush’ that can be found at most Utah Post Offices because of the ‘missionary send outs’ during High School lunch breaks only to pull up at the same time as fifteen other people. I like people but have no line patience! (No testimonials necessary, thank you!)
