Awake

I haven't had a nightmare in a long time, since this one actually.  Last week I was woken up by snores, no dreaming, but was able to fall back to sleep promptly.  Tonight, I am awake {WIDE AWAKE}.

There are some dreams that you know are dreams as you are experiencing them, you will yourself to stay asleep, you will yourself to stay in the middle of the goodness that your subconscious has created.  This was not that dream.  The chapel was real, the conversations were real, and scent of the flowers was real {no, it was not a nightmare because there were flowers}.  The gathering was familiar and common, minus one.  It was real, it was happening and I could not pinch myself or will myself awake to get out of it. 

As we sat down, in those ridiculous front pews, I looked to my right and saw Mom.  I looked to my left and saw each of my siblings with their spouses, Buba was holding a little baby girl.  Each of them stood up and walked to the pulpit at their respective time and said something, what they felt was necessary.  Within the first few minutes Cowboy came up and sat with me, I turned to whisper a thanks to Robs.  The minutes seemed drag, I counted the crevices on the bottom of Cowboy's brown shoe.  It was my turn.  I stood and began to walk forward, stood before the room and took in the picture.  Stace and Brandon were there with three little ones, Adam was sitting with Richard and the Costabiles, Becky Millar, Brad and Markell, Dave and Kirsten, Wayne and Lisa, Sorensen and Chad plus two, Rich and Anne, Rich and Cheryl, Denny and Sara, Mark and Debbie, Janet and David and all of the kids. And then I saw the ones that I had wished would be there but couldn't have expected ... everyone was accounted for that I needed there.  I then scanned the rows directly infront of me, everyone was a bit older.  Gramps still wore the glasses although they sat a bit heavier on that nose he gave to each of us, Grams was sporting a lighter hair color.  Cowboy had gone back to sit with Girlfriend and Robs. Aunt Betty, outliving us all apparently, sat tall.  Uncle Max looked a bit older. Aunt Charma sat with hands outstretched, one to Sammy and the other to Mac.  The J cousins sat, the eldest being entertained by a newborn while the younger two sat entranced by Megan, her mom allowing the distraction as she held tight to John's hand.  Uncle Matt looked more like Grandpa than I remember from just a few weeks ago, sitting with Aunt Laurel.  Grandma and Grandpa French sat close to one another.  His brothers, each of them resembling him more than I ever remember, sat perfectly still.  I spoke, I don't remember what I said but I do remember I did not cry.

As I went to sit back down I paused for a moment as Mom passed and quickly squeezed my right hand.  It was at this moment I saw for the first time the corsage she wore, with that single lily he always chooses.  I saw one on me, one on Brianna and each of my sisters-in-law.  I heard Mom's voice but cannot recall her words.  I turned hoping to finagle my niece from Buba but they were no longer there.  As I turned behind me, to Robs and the kiddos, I found no one.  The front pews were empty.  I turned to the front again, Mom was gone as were Mark and Wayne, who had been sitting up on the stand.  I stood now, alone in an empty room. The panic was real.  I ran, in heels mind you {when do I wear heels?}, searching but everyone was gone.  I could not find my family, I screamed the rollcall I had heard so many times on those summer mornings in the crowded house on Park as Gramps would wake us for rehearsal.  I tried for the next constant and screamed for Adam, I saw a beaded chandelier but no boy in the star hat.  I called out for everyone and with each scream I paused, waiting for a response but heard nothing ...

Then I woke up.  So yes, I'm awake.  I'm not Grandma Phyllis, I have not been watching FlashForward, this was a nightmare and nothing more.  But I'm still awake, which was not the plan.  Yes, there is a logical explanation for this I'm certain but it is eluding me at this particular moment.  I sleep better in Salt Lake or even in Park City, when did that happen?